what a birthday taught me about being loved

I turned 23 a few weeks ago.

I was showered with love in so many ways...text messages, phone calls, a breakfast date, facebook posts, flowers on my desk, lovely wine date with my coworkers, instagram pictures, a surprise lunch with church friends and work friends together, delicious family dinner and dessert, and a night at the movies.

I was so touched. So overwhelmed by the love and generosity of friends and family.

But you know what I learned on this April 12th? I learned that I have to let go of deserving love, I have to open my hands and my heart to the gifts God has given not because of my own doing, but because of his extravagant love for me...and how he expresses that love through friends and family.

It overwhelms me that I had bouquets of flowers on my desk. That friends surprised me for lunch, that I got gift cards for lattes and acai bowls, and that my mom made me chocolate cake...because those are all things I love. My friends and family know me, and know what I love and care about (coffee, friends, surprises...and chocolate of course!! among many other things :)). That is so special to me.

I forget that God knows me and hears me. I forget that he loves me for who I am, not because of my personality, or how many emails I respond to at work. I forget that he has given me friends not because I am trying to be a good friend, but because he wants to teach me what it looks like to be loved and cared for.

Throughout my faith journey, I've always been taught that God's love is a free gift. I'm realizing now that accepting this love is a life-long journey. And he has brought some beautiful people into my life to show me how.

Thank you, friends, family, for loving me.

Love, Adam Levine, and Valentine's Day

"I got to call BS on Valentine's Day. I've always stood behind this…there definitely is a large group of people who see Valentine's Day as this day to take the time out of your life and be romantic and tell the person you care about that you love them, and to do romantic things..."

"My thought about it is…there should be so many Valentine's Days in your life if you're going to be in a good relationship. It kind of makes me feel almost like the people who get really into Valentine's day are usually the people who spend the other 364 days of their lives not doing what they should doing to keep it together. I'm not a hater, I don't hate Valentine's Day. To me it should just be one of many days…hopefully if they're lucky enough to have love in their life, there should be like 50 Valentine's Days per year." 

--Adam Levine from "Adam Levine Shares his Thoughts on Valentine's Day"

I am a firm believer and celebrant of Valentine's Day. I love chocolate, I love the color pink, I'm a total sucker for cheesy Valentine's cards and sweetheart messages. I think hearts are a great shape for just about anything, and the fact that I can get free candy almost anywhere on February 14th is something I truly enjoy.

But I also have a bit of a fight with Valentine's Day....in a way similar to Adam Levine. I think there "should be so many Valentine's Days in your life if you're going to be in a good relationship" -- except I would change the wording from "a relationship" to "any relationship." What bothers me about Valentine's Day is how quickly we equate love and romance, when romance is just one part of the greater expanse that is love.

Don't get me wrong -- I really like romance, I hope and dream for romance. I think it's great to have a special Valentine's Day plan with roses and carnations and chocolate hearts for that special someone.
My hesitation is that I don't want Valentine's Day to cheapen what love is -- or how big it is. I want Valentine's Day to be one day, among many others where we tell people that we love them and we show it in special ways. On Valentine's Day I want to show my friends and family that I love them by doing the cheesy things like buying Dove chocolates and cutting the peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches into hearts. But on all the other 364-days of the year, I want love to also be my guide and prompt me to live my life differently. I want 1 Corinthians 13 to be lived out (in as imperfect of a way as it can be).

When I read Surprised by Hope by NT Wright, I discovered that I usually heard the 1 Corinthians 13 passage talked about at weddings or in a discussion about how we're supposed to love the people that are difficult to love (i.e. siblings, coworkers, classmates, etc.). I either read the passage as:

(1) This is how I'm supposed to love so-and-so: I need to be patient, kind, gentle, and not rude. Got it. I'll pray really, really hard and God will help me to be patient, kind, gentle, and not rude.

Or:

(2) This is for committed couples and the pastor says it at the wedding and the couple stares at each other with stars in their eyes and vows to love their spouse with patience and kindness and to not be rude. (Or, Mandy Moore gazes at the ever-beautiful Shane West as he reads 1 Corinthians 13 to her from her little book of poetry and Bible verses and as the viewer all you can think is "1 CORINTHIANS 13 is SO BEAUTIFUL! and HOLY CRAPY SHANE WEST COME MEMORIZE THOSE VERSES FOR ME!" I know, I know. It's pathetic.)

But then I read NT Wright. And his words blew my mind with how he analyzes 1 Corinthians 13 and how he talks about love. Wright says this passage "isn't simply a wonderful poem stuck in to the letter at this point to change the mood. This poem, both in tone and content, is the still, quietly beating heart that makes sense of everything else" (287). I don't have the good theological summary here of the "making sense of everything else" (what Wright is referring to in the context of Paul's letter to the Corinthians), but it highlights how this passage gives witness to something bigger:

"The point of 1 Corinthians 13 is that love is not our duty; it is our destiny. It is the language Jesus spoke, and we are called to speak it so that we can converse with him. It is the food they eat in God's new world, and we must acquire the taste for it here and now. It is the music God has written for all his creatures to sing, and we are called to learn it and practice it now so as to be ready when the conductor brings down the baton. It is the resurrection life, and the resurrected Jesus calls us to begin living it with him and for him right now. Love is at the very heart of the surprise by hope: people who truly hope as the resurrection encourages us to hope will be people enabled to love in a new way" (288)

BAM.

Wright points to this hope and love in a way that is so much bigger and more beautiful than the kind of love we know. And he shows us that 1 Corinthians 13 is more than an explanation of how to love the annoying people, or how to love our significant other. Instead, 1 Corinthians 13 invites us into a different kind of dialogue, a different way of living with each other as we experience God's love and try to speak it with him. We "speak" this love in the ways we engage with the world around us -- how we treat our neighbors, how we stand up for the rights of the less-fortunate, how we dialogue with those whose culture and background is so different from our own.

That love is powerful.

That love scares me.

That love comforts me.

That love invites me.

So, yes, I celebrate Valentine's Day, and I celebrate love. But I celebrate love differently because I've read NT Wright. I read 1 Corinthians 13 not just as a future love poem for Shane West -- I read it as holy words that invite a response. And Valentine's Day is a unique way to respond to that invitation -- to show people I love and care about them. But hopefully, just like Adam Levine says, it doesn't end there...it carries on for the rest of the year. I'll fail plenty of times, I won't love as I should and I will be impatient and proud and self-serving. Yet I'm thankful the invitation is always offered -- it never goes away no matter how many times I fail. That is a gift.

I hope on Valentine's Day we feel loved -- but I also hope we feel invited to love. That invitation is big and challenging -- but it is also so exciting. I am thankful for this kind of love and how big and powerful it is. And I'm thankful it lasts for every day of the year.

The Missing

It usually takes about a week to make it happen. The texts are long, full of options:
What about Saturday, 3pm my time?
Thursday after 7?
I babysit then ... Wednesday??

I think about my schedule...I'll rush home from the gym, help mom with dinner, and get on the computer. No wait, maybe i'll get up early and talk in the AM because it's 9:30 her time and 6:30 my time. that could work, right? Can i get myself out of bed that early?? Probably not. Dang it. AH THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING WHY CAN'T WE HAVE A CONVERSATION WITHOUT A WEEK OF PLANNING?! I think to myself

And when I finally see her face I'm so happy. We talk about jobs and living with our siblings again or finding a new home in a big city. she says things that totally resonate with me and what I'm feeling and makes me laugh because of her unique and witty humor.

But when we hang up I feel a sense of loss. We only had an hour and in that time we didn't get to talk about the time last week when I read a section of a book that made me think of her. We didn't have time to stop by each other's apartments mid-day in our leggings on a friday afternoon, eagerly awaiting the weekend. We didn't have time to vent (usually that would be me) about school and ridiculously long essays to write and obnoxious people in the library flirting while I'm trying to study.

When I call a different country, Costa Rica, I usually pause for a minute "Should I do it? How bad is my Spanish today?" I open up my journal from abroad and find the number that I wrote on the front page: 506.
The international area code is 506. I press dial. And wait.

It rings and I get so nervous. There's an answer on the other line and I say "Hola, es Alisa" and then the conversation comes. They say my name like they always did, I talk with Papi about food and making coffee and they ask for me to come back.

We remember you, Alisa, he says. And a piece inside of me starts to ache.

And then I miss. And I remember. And I smile. And I feel sad and happy all at once.

I smile because it was good -- our time together. I smile because we can still be together across many thousands of miles. I smile because my Tica family says my name differently and it makes me feel like I'm there with them.

And I feel sad because I want to be drinking coffee with them in Costa Rica. I want to be laughing at Papi's jokes again and making silly Spanish mistakes. I want to be in Maryland or Massachusetts or wherever you are.... drinking wine on the floor of one of my best friend's bed room, talking about life and transitions and all these unknowns. I want to be laughing with them as we reminisce about freshman year 8am philosophy where we wrote notes to each other to stay awake and cursed over 8 page essays about "epistomology." I want to be sitting on the couch on the second floor of Tavilla again laughing so hard at that story you told me about when you were in Africa. I want to watch my papi's face when he laughs, I want to eat gallo pinto again.

I miss.

We miss because we love, right? We miss because we were loved by people and places -- and when we leave them, it hurts a little (and sometimes it hurts a lot). We miss, too, because we got to love them back. We were given the opportunity to love the people and places in front of us...the car rides to school when the sunlight perfectly hit the hills of Costa Rica, the runs through the woods on a snowy afternoon in Wenham, the conversations over lattes at Atomic Cafe, the laughter on a long walk home from Spanish class. And we continue to love...just this time from a greater distance.

So, right now, I'll miss and remember. And I'll be thankful for those gifts.

you don't need a ring to prove you fell in love

[freshmen orientation: august 2008]

I graduated from college this past weekend (...more posts on that big event to come!!), but one of the special highlights from the weekend was getting to read my senior reflection at our Baccalaureate service. 

This is what I shared on Friday night...

~~

At Gordon I have fallen in love. No ring on my finger – just a full heart because of the people and places and books that four years has brought me.

First, I fell in love with studying politics. I entered college with zero interest in politics, but since it was a presidential election year and I wanted to fulfill a core requirement, I enrolled in American National Politics during my first semester at Gordon.  I sat in class every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday in Jenks 212, with my purple notebook and mechanical pencil, in a state of terror and fascination: I felt out of place with the politics majors who would say things in class that seemed so brilliant and foreign to me – and my professor talked about ideas I had never heard of before, like pluralism and liberalism and sphere sovereignty. But something happened to me in that class: it didn’t make my decision for the election, but it convinced me that studying politics was something I wanted to do. The following spring I took a leap of faith and marched my nervous feet to the registrar’s office to declare my major. For the next three years I learned about Constitutional law and the Middle East and the influence of religion on international affairs and what Plato was actually talking about in his Republic. I wrote papers that I, at many points along the journey, wanted to rip apart out of frustration and exhaustion, but each of those papers taught me that political systems matter and that studying them prompts me to think about how to pursue justice and peace in a broken world.  

I also fell in love with Boston and New England. I became completely captured by the colors of fall and couldn’t keep my running shoes away from the woods in September and October. I have come to appreciate the little pieces of New England that make it seem more like home to me – the candles in the windows at Christmas, the church buildings with steeples, the small ice cream shops by the beach. And then there’s Boston – I learned to love the rhythm of the commuter rail, the accent I hear as I stroll the city streets. I loved walking through the Common in springtime or driving into the city at night and walking through the rain staring up at the sparkling city lights.

I fell in love with speaking Spanish. Before college, learning Spanish was just a part of fulfilling the foreign language requirement. But after a trip to Guatemala and a semester of Spanish 102, it grew into an interest I wanted to pursue and led me to study abroad in a different part of the world. While abroad I became Alísa, instead of Alyssa. I learned about the language, culture, suffering and beauty of Costa Rica, Nicaragua, and Cuba. And through conversations about theology and poverty and political systems and culture; through tears, language mistakes, laughter, cultural confusions, and so many meals of rice, beans, and plátanos, I discovered that I love a different language and I love learning from the Latin Americans who speak it with me.

I fell in love with people. Relationships happened as we ran together along Grapevine or laughed on the floor of our apartment after a long day, or borrowed each other’s dresses for Gordon Globes or cried together as we shared disappointment, heartache, and fear. When I entered college I thought I was independent, but as each year passed, I realized how dependent I was on these relationships – and how these relationships help me grow and love more deeply.

Relationships also inspired me to learn more deeply. I found myself accustomed to the steep walk up to the third floor of Frost during faculty office hours and would arrive (always!) out of breath and just spill out a hundred questions spinning in my head to one of my professors. And they would listen. They would always listen no matter how many times I bothered them or asked for just one more explanation of what this crazy philosopher was talking about. I fell in love with a process of learning where I am able to ask the hard questions to people who don’t run away from me, but embrace me in their office with an open chair, a crowded bookshelf, piles of papers, and sincere ears to listen.

At Gordon I’ve also learned that this process of loving is the hardest thing I’ll ever do. Relationships expose parts of ourselves you wish you could hide, discovering new places often times takes you away from the people you love, and studying the world challenges the world-view you’ve held all your life and poses questions you don’t want to answer. Falling in love also means that you are called to bear the responsibility of caring for more people and places, more areas of study. Your heart gets bigger as you open yourself to the new adventures and experiences, but the ache grows too. But I have found that the more I fall in love, the more I experience joy, peace, and hope. This transition from Gordon brings with it many questions and uncertainties. And I am clinging to that joy, peace, and hope I have learned through four years of classes, experiences, assignments, and genuine relationships.

I hope that these four years prompts me to live my life in a way where I am always falling in love.

happy valentime's day!!

yes, that was an intended spelling mishap! when i think of valentine's day (that's the correct spelling in case you forgot), i think of the way my sister libby always used to say it: valentime's day. don't ask us why, but that's how she said it - and i kind of love it.

i love valentine's day. no matter how single i am, i love it. to me valentine's day is waking up to see's chocolate on the kitchen table and pink milk (food coloring o' course!), heart shaped peanut-butter & jelly sandwiches and maybe heart biscuits for dinner. it's lots of chocolate and those cute valentine's you get from your entire class in elementary school. i am blessed to consider valentine's day as a day where people tell  that i am loved. i know that's a gift.

my mom celebrates valentine's day the best. she decorates our house with all kinds of fun things and has M&M's and kisses everywhere. she makes valentine's day crafty and fun and all about love for friends and family which is the best way to celebrate it. i'm so thankful for the way she taught me to show love through the little things like crafts and chocolates and creative fun.

so this year i decided to have some fun with valentine's day and made some valentine's for my apartmentmates and friends! last week i had a little evening to myself which included the following:

1) chocolate

2) paper, glue, scissors

3) paint & sponges

3) friends episodes & nicholas sparks movies

i sat happily on the floor and cut out hearts and watched noah and allie and landon and jamie fall in love and enjoyed that while eating my nestle milk chocolate chips. laugh all you want but it was delightful.

these are what some of the valentine's look like...

and these are the little boxes i got at the craft store and had fun sponge painting them. i was trying to make the initials look pretty using limited resources (aka q-tips) and they didn't turn out so great...but oh well. there's always next time.

i then filled them with some delicious M&M's which i hope they'll enjoy

my next adventure will be in the kitchen attempting this recipe that i found on pintrest: 

i don't have exciting plans for valentine's day but i plan to wear something pink-ish and will consume as much chocolate as i can :)

so happy valentine's day! i hope you feel loved and get to love on special people today!

the one where i say "hell" maybe too many times

about a month ago i wrote a question that was featured on my friend hilary's blog. she writes posts in a life (un)masked series in a question-answer format. i asked her if i could send a question and she happily accepted. this was my question:

Dear Hilary,

I write because I’m scared. I’m scared of the coming and leaving, the hellos and goodbyes, the falling in love with people and places and experiences and then having to put it all away, like they’re only memories and nothing more. I’m scared of the “next steps” - the new relationships and the new places I’m about to embark upon as I graduate because I know I’m going to going to fall in love and get my heart broken. I already have — haven’t we all? So I’m asking if it’s worth it to give ourselves completely to the people and the places and the relationships, knowing we’re going to weep and be heartbroken? Is it worth it to invest myself in the things that I do, even though I know I’ll be disappointed and hurt? I guess the question really is... is it worth it to live fully?

Sincerely,
Scared


please read her response here. she wrote to me about "living the hell out of life" -- that we have such a short time to love and that we can't run away from the fear, but must embrace it and live the hell out of it. 


a few days later i was sitting in my car waiting for the train inbound to boston with the rain pitter-pattering on the roof and i needed to write words in response. here they are:

Dear Hilary,

Sometimes I think writing is a better way to express than talking. Sometimes words in my voice don’t convey the meaning I want them to.

So: live the hell out of life.

Yes.

I interact often with senior citizens and I love it. I realize something when I hang out with them: they didn’t regret loving people, places or things. They look at me with joy when I tell them I go to school and work and run and bake and hike with my family. They have people visit them who were apart of their story, part of the loving and losing and living. And when my elderly friend turned 101 a year ago and we sang "happy birthday" to him, I had tears in my eyes because 101 is a lot of years, memories, loving, learning, falling, jumping, mourning, celebrating — it’s 101 years of life. And there’s no doubt in my mind that he doesn’t regret loving his wife of 70-something years or loving the place he calls home. And maybe that meant grief over an illness his wife suffered or struggling to build community in a place that is your home but at the same time leaves you feeling like an outcast. I never asked him, but I think he would tell me to live the hell out of life: that it’s worth it no matter how many candles are on your birthday cake. It’s worth it because God didn’t put us on earth to be protected or to run away.
I’m still trying to figure out why he did put me on earth. And while I’m uncertain, I am confident he didn’t do it to scare me.

So let’s live the hell out of life...and help show each other how to do that.

Love, 

Scared (aka Alyssa) 

C.S. Lewis writes in The Four Loves that "to love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...

We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour" (121-2).

Aren't those good words?? And as scared as i am about the vulnerability, i'm convinced that love rocks any reason to hold back. 


so...live the hell out of life? let's do it. 

special birthdays

what are birthdays for? i think birthdays give us the opportunity to stop and celebrate life - no matter if it's been a hard or easy year, a year of change or monotony...birthdays remind us that we're special, we're loved, and we're cared for. that's how i have come to know birthdays (and i know that this is a unique gift). i have come to love birthdays because of how my parents taught me to celebrate. and this month, it's my turn to celebrate them.

i could write a list of all the reasons they're special. i could tell you stories about the hours they spent helping me with my math homework or holding my hand when i had to get a shot at the doctor's office or cheering me on at my cross country meets or driving me all over down town for flute lessons. i could tell you about how much i missed them last semester or how much happiness i feel when i hug them for the first time after months of being apart. i could tell you about when i turned 10 my dad sent flowers to school for my birthday and my mom surprised me with a special note in my lunch box (no PB&J that day -- we went out! :)).

i could tell you about the things i have learned from them. when i make pizza for my apartment or come up with some creative craft to do on a saturday night, i know i'm my mother's daughter. she taught me to cook, to take care of people, to be a thrifty shopper at the grocery store and to have fun with paper and stamps and paint. i know when i get excited about school and reading books i'm my father's daughter. he taught me to love reading and learning and how education is something to truly value. he taught me about laughter and that there's no shame in laughing so hard no one can hear what the movie is saying anymore.

i know more about loving others because i watched my parents love and care for me and my sisters. i've watched them let me go and explore new places, and i've watched them welcome me home again. i have watched them work hard and persevere. i have watched them be generous and serve the Lord and listen expectantly to what i am learning and doing and seeing as i grow up.

i am so thankful for them and for the opportunity to be a part of and celebrate their lives.

happy, happy birthday dearest mom and dad!

back in the US of A [warning: this is a long post]

[visiting cuba is not complete without a stop at the cigar shop!]

[Más unidos y combativos: defendiendo el socialismo]

[a view]

[allison, rach, and i on the beach]

[streets of cuba]

[esta es la revolución socialista: de los humildes, para los humildes, y por los humildes]

[allison, rachel, annie, and i enjoying [virgin of course] piña coladas at varadero beach, finishing up our time in cuba]

I am back in the United States of America – honestly hard to believe. I had a really great trip to Cuba and would love to talk to you about it and share pictures and stories - it was such a unique experience. I learned a lot about the socialist government structure, the attitude of solidarity that I have never seen nor experienced before, and heard about Cuba from a perspective so different from what I have heard as a US citizen. We went to different “charlas” as we call them, or lectures/speakers, who ranged from economists, educators, medical professionals, pastors, etc. This was the first year that LASP was able to take all 37 students to Cuba because of some of the changes that President Obama has made with Cuba policy. Usually LASP is able to take a group of students (since it falls under both an educational and religious trip), but not all students together and it takes a LOT of phone calls. This year the process was much smoother and I am eager to stay updated on the changes taking place in Cuba with their new congress, as well as changes between US-Cuba policies. There is so much I could write about Cuba, but I think I’ll just talk about one thing: solidarity. Solidarity, in my own definition, is sacrificing your own personal desires and successes for the good of others or your society. I have never seen this kind of solidarity lived out except in the case of Cuba – especially within the health system I was amazed by the sacrifice of many Cuban doctors for both people within their country as well as those in lesser-developed countries. We met with a doctor who receives a very low wage (actually lower than a taxi driver might make because of the dual monetary system which allows people in tourism to possibly make more money because tourists pay for services in a different currency), but he told us that he wouldn’t change his career because he believes in serving the Cuban people. Wow. I was also really blown away by the hospitality we received by a group of senior citizens at their exercise class: we sat in chairs and on the floor with a group of at least 40 senior citizens who were doing some breathing/stretching exercises and we got to join in! A few people introduced themselves and one of them was around 90 years old and told us how he was so happy that we were here and that he wants us to come home to the United States with warm greetings from Cuba. This also blew me away – my country and Cuba have been enemies for years and yet this man put this aside and welcomed our group with so much love and smiles that I had misty eyes when he shuffled his feet back across the linoleum floor to his seat.

We finished our trip at a popular Cuban tourist spot called Varadero Beach and then headed back to Costa Rica for less than 24 hours before heading on a plane to Miami! Our group spent just a little over a day in Miami doing “re-entry” and then said our goodbyes. Saying goodbyes was really sad: while I hope to see my close LASP friends again soon, I will never be with the same group of 37 students ever again. Even though it has only been 4 months, we have shared a lot together and have been shaped and challenged by this unique experience. We’ve shared so many awkward, funny, embarrassing situations, as well as countless conversations – some funny about our American culture, but many more about the things we are learning and struggling to understand. They have come to know some of the things that make me “me”, like getting food all over my face when I eat (it is a curse that will follow me wherever I go), and I have adapted some of their expressions and accents. I will really miss this community, especially as I continue to process this experience and try to apply what I have learned to my life at home.

Authentic and unique are the words I want to use to describe my semester in Latin America. I think it has probably been the most challenging, but in many ways, the most rewarding semester I have had as a college student. What is exciting is that I feel like I am starting to sense the ways that this semester has influenced me – in terms of reflection, thinking about what I have learned, the conversations I have had, etc. It is impossible to process all you have learned right after it happens and I think the real processing is starting now and will continue for the rest of my life!

LASP has given me a real Latin American experience: I have lived with three different host families. I have eaten, slept, gone to church, Bible study, mass, washed laundry, helped cook, clean, enjoy family activities like soccer games and Tupperware parties, gone on family weekend trips, shared pepto bismol, celebrated birthdays and new babies, gone on walks to thepulpería, and tried and failed at dancing (my hips do not move like they are supposed to). I listened to my family laugh and cry – and they’ve seen me laugh and cry too. I have heard from political officials, spoken with Latin Americans in different regions, enjoyed beautiful beaches, mountains, and cities, and also seen a lot of problems and global issues that have overwhelmed me. I have learned Spanish, and realized that being a language learner is humbling. I have seen many cultural differences and similarities, tried new foods that I either loved or struggled to swallow. I have struggled in Latin America. I have been embarrassed and confused, felt sad, discouraged, misunderstood, homesick, and lonely. Yet I have also felt loved, cared for, excited, joyful, and blessed. How does that all fit together? I have no idea…

This semester has been a huge blessing to me, and I am so thankful for YOU – my family, friends, and loved ones who have prayed for me, sent me emails and Facebook messages, and encouraged me along the way. I am completely overwhelmed with gratitude and can’t thank you enough for your support and love across the miles – it has made a huge difference to my experience here. I hope to share recipes and stories with you (maybe we can have a cup of coffee & que que seco in the mid-afternoon like a Costa Rican cafecito?) and to hear your stories and adventures over the past four months. Just as I have learned so much through conversation and living life with Latin American families these past four months, I am looking forward to a continuation of this in the USA with family and friends who have loved and cared for me all of my life.

My name has been “Alisa” for the past 4 months (and sometimes “Alice” and I just don’t try hard enough to correct it) and I think part of me will miss this. I’ll also miss speaking a lot of Spanish and waking up to cows mooing and the frying pan frying something delicious with lots of oil. I’ll miss rice at least two times a day and cheap mangos and yucca. I’ll miss the bus rides and talking to my host sisters and parents. I’ll miss the hug & kiss greetings and hearing “Dios bendiga y acompaña” when I leave. I’ll miss all of the dogs in the neighborhoods, the panaderias and the endless bread that I always eat. The list is long of the special things I will miss from Latin America and the people who loved and cared for me there.

But I’m also looking forward to home: to watching Libby in her play, to dance parties with Kels, to having long chats with my dad over the newspaper, and to coffee mornings with my mom in our pajamas. I am incredibly excited to see my across-the-world cousins in June whom I haven’t seen for almost 2 years and to work with some of my favorite senior citizens at the retirement center for the summer. And I’m looking forward to reuniting with dear friends in the summer and in August when I get back to Gordon (please do NOT talk to me about the fact that I am a senior now - it is truly freaking me out!!).

Psalm 98:1 “Sing to the Lord a new song, for he has done marvelous things…”

meaningful words

commonprayer.net is continuing to bless me this morning.

“To love someone is not first of all to do things for them, but to reveal to them their beauty and value, to say to them through our attitude: ‘You are beautiful. You are important. I trust you. You can trust yourself.’ We all know well that we can do things for others and in the process crush them, making them feel that they are incapable of doing things by themselves. To love someone is to reveal to them their capacities for life, the light that is shining in them.”

--Jean Vanier, founder of the L'Arche communities

deep love

Ephesians 3: 18-19

"And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should,

how wide,

how long,

how high,

and how deep his love is.

May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to

understand fully.

Then you will be made

complete

with all the

fullness of life

and power that comes from God."

While I say that God loves me fully and completely, I don't think I always live like I believe this. I live in fear; fear of rejection, fear of hurt, fear of disappointment and failure. I live in loneliness and brokenness, wanting desperately to be known by myself and others, but often feeling misunderstood. I had a good conversation today with a special mentor and she and i talked about what our greatest desires are as humans: to be loved and to be known. I couldn't relate more to this desire to feel loved completely and wholly and to be satisfied by a relationship with someone who knows me and loves me for me. I often find myself looking for this love in the wrong places when I should be focusing on the One who love me the most and knows me completely. His love is deep and it reaches every part of me -- especially the places where I am hurting and feel the most confused and alone. I want to meditate on this verse from Ephesians...and I know that I will never be able to fully experience this deep and powerful love of God because it is too big for my tiny self to comprehend. But I hope to grow in the knowledge of Christ and live loved: knowing that I (we!! -- if anyone is reading this :)) are loved deeply, completely, and wholly and that He is the only one who can satisfy.