some kind of faith reflection

they said i had to draw a line in the sand: in or out; biblical or unbiblical; all or nothing.

the words sting. something inside me aches.

i want to take this book with me to all places, let it breathe freedom and hope and love and peace over me and over everyone i meet. i want it to be a beacon of hospitality, without lines and labels and in or out.

my hands held this book as a little girl in sunday school who won the sword drills and memorized so many of its verses. who read it to herself, heard its words after dinner, sung its poems on Sundays.

on some days this book is held with shaking hands, hands that are angry, or frustrated, or weary. some days this book is held by a tired twenty-something getting out of bed twenty minutes late thinking about what she's going to wear.

this book has been held in the classroom -- in the debates and class discussions, the one on one meetings with professors, the quiet stillness around Coy Pond. the verses have been worded, the messages interpreted, the comfort spoken.

for me, this book has been a source of stress too -- it held tears and confused thoughts, scribbled verses written in journals with question marks and pleadings for clarity. it is beautiful, yes, but equally puzzling, sometimes terrifyingly puzzling to me.

i love this book, this B-I-B-L-E-yes-that's-the-book-for-me. i struggle with it, wrestle with the meanings and the contexts and the high callings and the stories it tells. i haven't studied it enough to make sense of levitical laws and why patriarchy lasted for so many years, i still skip over passages of the Old Testament when given the choice, and i've never read the full book of Revelation from beginning to end.

Sarah Bessey, in her work Jesus Feminist, says:

People want black and white answers, but Scripture is rainbow arch across a stormy sky...I want you to wrestle with the Bible. Do it. Wrestle until, Jacob-like, you walk with a limp ever after, and you receive the blessing of the Lord.

i like the idea that we're supposed to limp a little in this faith journey.

i don't want a fear based faith. i want one rooted in love -- love for self, love for others, love for this Jesus that gave everything up to be with me, with us. and in this love based faith, there's room for questions, room to interpret experiences, room for doubt and tears and loneliness, for triumph and joy -- it's all embraced, all understood, all valued.

Bessey says it again best:

Choose freedom. Choose the freedom of living loved, far from their debates and fence lines and name callings, and the belittling, divisive stereotypes. Extend the gift of freedom and grace, second chances, and more grace, just as you have received them.

i stand here, and i want to shout from the rooftops that this is what i choose: freedom of living loved. freedom to live loved: with this book in hand, as well as experiences and conversations and people-made-in-the-image-of-God manifestations of his Kingdom.

i choose freedom in the complex answers, the paradoxes and most difficult passages. i choose to read this book with eyes pointed towards love and justice and peace, and nothing less. i choose to live in the tension of wrestling and walking with a limp (and i write that knowing that it is hard, and sometimes so scary).

in choosing this, i leave the lines in the sand behind and i don't look back, i just run forward.

A Sunday Morning Story

On Sunday morning I stood up in church to say something, a small comment, a small expression during our time of sharing.

I said, "Today I am sad, but another week I might be happy. Thank you for being church -- a place where I can come in both. I don't know another place like it."

I confess that church is not the easiest thing for me...it's not always on my top priority list, and there have been seasons of life where it's felt painful or lonely or scary to go.

But as I drove to church on Sunday morning last week, I realized that it was the only place I wanted to be that morning. The only place that encompassed my sadness and joy in life after death, the only place where hugs would be freely given and received and smiles and tears could be shared.

I go to church because I don't know a better place to be in sickness and health, in sorrow and joy, in pain and in gladness, in rich blessing and deep heartache. I don't know another story that encompasses death and life, reality and miracle, healing and brokenness.  When I think about Jesus's life, I'm amazed by his presence -- the way he was truly in-step with what what going on around him and who the people were who were placed in his path. He wasn't too stressed out to pay attention, he didn't have to look hard to see the opportunities standing in front of him.

In times of joy and celebration, he participated in the party. He went to the wedding, he feasted with the guests. In times of mourning and sadness, he wept and held his friends' tears. In times of injustice, he called it out for what it was, even when it broke the status quo. In times when the most vulnerable were brought before him, he opened his arms and accepted them. He found joy in the littlest children sitting at his feet, at the woman pouring perfume on his feet, on the captain who believed his servant could be healed.

I listened to a podcast a few weeks ago by Soong Chan Rah, a theology professor at Northpark University. In his lecture, he talked about the importance of a "theology of suffering" and a "theology of celebration" and how many churches in the States lack a theology of suffering. To me, Jesus's life embodied the theology of suffering and the theology of celebration -- suffering through trials and injustice, being treated unfairly, being tempted and tried, and ultimately dying on our behalf. But his life embodied celebration too: joyfully loving others and feeding them, celebrating life around him and giving meaning to those who were told their lives didn't matter, and ultimately rising from the dead.

I'm going to make a bold statement: I think our churches and our relationships are often missing one theology, or over-emphasizing one over the other. Sometimes we party too hard, we ignore the brokenness and hurt around us, we give quick answers instead of sitting in the stillness and sadness. And then sometimes we focus too much on the bad and ugly, the awful statistics, we forget about a greater hope and we remain in black attire.

And that's why Jesus's story is so powerful to me: because it embraces both. It doesn't ignore the hurt and the ache. It doesn't just say to "get over" the death of a loved one or another cancer diagnosis, or that simple answers will suffice. It doesn't ignore the cries of the hungry or the tears of the ignored and vulnerable. It embraces all of that. It weeps, it mourns, it stands in silence, it cries for help.

But it doesn't stay in that darkness, either. It breaks the darkness, it declares hope and truth, justice and peace. It announces that we can cry and then laugh again, maybe within the same hour. It proclaims that death is real, but that resurrection happened.

And on Sunday, I think I realized that church is where I can see and experience both. The Church is broken, of course, but it stands as a reminder to the beauty of Jesus' story -- of his love and presence with us, his experiences living in grief and standing in triumph. And I realize that that is a story I love, and can follow with tears in my eyes or with smiles wide across my mouth. I'm thankful for this story.

Love, Adam Levine, and Valentine's Day

"I got to call BS on Valentine's Day. I've always stood behind this…there definitely is a large group of people who see Valentine's Day as this day to take the time out of your life and be romantic and tell the person you care about that you love them, and to do romantic things..."

"My thought about it is…there should be so many Valentine's Days in your life if you're going to be in a good relationship. It kind of makes me feel almost like the people who get really into Valentine's day are usually the people who spend the other 364 days of their lives not doing what they should doing to keep it together. I'm not a hater, I don't hate Valentine's Day. To me it should just be one of many days…hopefully if they're lucky enough to have love in their life, there should be like 50 Valentine's Days per year." 

--Adam Levine from "Adam Levine Shares his Thoughts on Valentine's Day"

I am a firm believer and celebrant of Valentine's Day. I love chocolate, I love the color pink, I'm a total sucker for cheesy Valentine's cards and sweetheart messages. I think hearts are a great shape for just about anything, and the fact that I can get free candy almost anywhere on February 14th is something I truly enjoy.

But I also have a bit of a fight with Valentine's Day....in a way similar to Adam Levine. I think there "should be so many Valentine's Days in your life if you're going to be in a good relationship" -- except I would change the wording from "a relationship" to "any relationship." What bothers me about Valentine's Day is how quickly we equate love and romance, when romance is just one part of the greater expanse that is love.

Don't get me wrong -- I really like romance, I hope and dream for romance. I think it's great to have a special Valentine's Day plan with roses and carnations and chocolate hearts for that special someone.
My hesitation is that I don't want Valentine's Day to cheapen what love is -- or how big it is. I want Valentine's Day to be one day, among many others where we tell people that we love them and we show it in special ways. On Valentine's Day I want to show my friends and family that I love them by doing the cheesy things like buying Dove chocolates and cutting the peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches into hearts. But on all the other 364-days of the year, I want love to also be my guide and prompt me to live my life differently. I want 1 Corinthians 13 to be lived out (in as imperfect of a way as it can be).

When I read Surprised by Hope by NT Wright, I discovered that I usually heard the 1 Corinthians 13 passage talked about at weddings or in a discussion about how we're supposed to love the people that are difficult to love (i.e. siblings, coworkers, classmates, etc.). I either read the passage as:

(1) This is how I'm supposed to love so-and-so: I need to be patient, kind, gentle, and not rude. Got it. I'll pray really, really hard and God will help me to be patient, kind, gentle, and not rude.

Or:

(2) This is for committed couples and the pastor says it at the wedding and the couple stares at each other with stars in their eyes and vows to love their spouse with patience and kindness and to not be rude. (Or, Mandy Moore gazes at the ever-beautiful Shane West as he reads 1 Corinthians 13 to her from her little book of poetry and Bible verses and as the viewer all you can think is "1 CORINTHIANS 13 is SO BEAUTIFUL! and HOLY CRAPY SHANE WEST COME MEMORIZE THOSE VERSES FOR ME!" I know, I know. It's pathetic.)

But then I read NT Wright. And his words blew my mind with how he analyzes 1 Corinthians 13 and how he talks about love. Wright says this passage "isn't simply a wonderful poem stuck in to the letter at this point to change the mood. This poem, both in tone and content, is the still, quietly beating heart that makes sense of everything else" (287). I don't have the good theological summary here of the "making sense of everything else" (what Wright is referring to in the context of Paul's letter to the Corinthians), but it highlights how this passage gives witness to something bigger:

"The point of 1 Corinthians 13 is that love is not our duty; it is our destiny. It is the language Jesus spoke, and we are called to speak it so that we can converse with him. It is the food they eat in God's new world, and we must acquire the taste for it here and now. It is the music God has written for all his creatures to sing, and we are called to learn it and practice it now so as to be ready when the conductor brings down the baton. It is the resurrection life, and the resurrected Jesus calls us to begin living it with him and for him right now. Love is at the very heart of the surprise by hope: people who truly hope as the resurrection encourages us to hope will be people enabled to love in a new way" (288)

BAM.

Wright points to this hope and love in a way that is so much bigger and more beautiful than the kind of love we know. And he shows us that 1 Corinthians 13 is more than an explanation of how to love the annoying people, or how to love our significant other. Instead, 1 Corinthians 13 invites us into a different kind of dialogue, a different way of living with each other as we experience God's love and try to speak it with him. We "speak" this love in the ways we engage with the world around us -- how we treat our neighbors, how we stand up for the rights of the less-fortunate, how we dialogue with those whose culture and background is so different from our own.

That love is powerful.

That love scares me.

That love comforts me.

That love invites me.

So, yes, I celebrate Valentine's Day, and I celebrate love. But I celebrate love differently because I've read NT Wright. I read 1 Corinthians 13 not just as a future love poem for Shane West -- I read it as holy words that invite a response. And Valentine's Day is a unique way to respond to that invitation -- to show people I love and care about them. But hopefully, just like Adam Levine says, it doesn't end there...it carries on for the rest of the year. I'll fail plenty of times, I won't love as I should and I will be impatient and proud and self-serving. Yet I'm thankful the invitation is always offered -- it never goes away no matter how many times I fail. That is a gift.

I hope on Valentine's Day we feel loved -- but I also hope we feel invited to love. That invitation is big and challenging -- but it is also so exciting. I am thankful for this kind of love and how big and powerful it is. And I'm thankful it lasts for every day of the year.

to the person wearing that shirt

preface: this is a weird post. but bear with me, friends, as i try to process some of my thoughts.

i went to a christian music festival a week ago and was particularly troubled by a shirt i saw a kid wearing. it had three words on it, so you wouldn't think much of it. but i think the implications of its message are profound -- and harmful, which is why i've been thinking about it for the past week.

"hate my flesh"

that's what the t-shirt said.

for starters, i think it's always a good idea to avoid using the word "hate," but i won't lie, i have used it many times when probably another word would have been better.

i understand the message the shirt was trying to communicate: the soul is more important than the flesh, don't let worldy things block the importance of keeping true to spiritual matters. and i do believe in the importance of life after death, i do believe that what happens on earth is part of a much bigger and greater reality. i believe in God's eternal kingdom and hope (thank you NT Wright).

but, still. i'm sad and angry about that shirt. and here's why.

i believe in a God who created flesh - and who delights in it. who loves that i have blue eyes, and you have brown, that i have small hands and you have long fingers, that i can run six miles and feel the exhiliration of letting my muscles move and carry me across the cement. i believe in a God who loves looking at faces with freckles and dimples; who lights up when a baby takes their first steps, and who is ever-present in the nursing home when it takes an elderly woman 10 minutes to get out of bed (but we celebrate those ten minutes, don't we? because she still has muscles that move and allow her to live with us -- and that is a blessing). i believe in a God who loves through touch -- i feel that love as my dad kisses my cheek when he walks in the door or when the little girl i babysit lets me cuddle with her for 5 seconds (i cherish those 5 seconds!). i hope in a God who is in the kitchen as we prepare food to eat, who laughs as spaghetti sauce drips down our mouth, who loves the sound of laughter and cares for our physical needs -- whether it's a stubbed toe or a scary disease.

and i think that if we "hate the flesh" we misunderstand God. i don't want to pretend to understand God, because frankly i'm quite confused about who he is, but i feel pretty confident of this: he created a body for me to dwell in -- and part of living is learning how to live here (in this 22 year old body), live  now, and live purposefully and hopefully. and i don't think i can do that if i hate the flesh; i don't think i can pursue justice and mercy if the flesh doesn't matter, if it's something to be hated.

i read a beautiful piece by lauren dubinsky a few weeks ago about learning to love her body. i confess that i feel this constant nagging in the back of my mind about what i look like and who i am trying to impress and "am i pretty enough? will more make-up help? do i need to die my hair??" stupid, i know. but it's a very true reality. read her words. they challenged me to see the physical as a gift, and to treat it as such. i needed that reminder -- and i think that person in the shirt could use that reminder too.

i think hating the flesh can lead to a misconstrued perception of self -- which can lead to hatred. and hating ourselves is just about the worst place to start. on the other hand, idolizing our flesh can also lead to a misconstrued percetion of self -- which is also quite harmful.

so, hate? is that where we start? idolatry? is that better? 

i want to be a person who delights in God's gifts -- and see that these gifts include feet that can walk on the beach and noses that can smell fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies; ears that can hear good music and eyes that can see sunsets and sunrises.

"taste and see that the Lord is good. blessed is the one who takes refuge in him" (psalm 34:8)
 i don't think i can do that if i'm hating the flesh.

a psalm

surely your 

goodness

and 

unfailing love

will pursue me

all the days of my life

[psalm 23:6a]

I'm thankful that God's goodness and love pursue me...

through the green buds on trees, the warm cup of coffee after a too-short-night of sleep, the shared laughter of friends, the delicious lick of strawberry and chocolate ice cream, through the sociology class that reminds me that I have to believe in a big God, through the text messages from friends far away, through the breathtaking beauty of spring in new england

Each day, He pursues me 

and does so with unfailing love and goodness

manchester - by - the - sea, massachusetts

M&M's for the aisles

when i was little my aunt suggested to my mom that she buy a bag of M&M's and give one little chocolate morsel to me for each aisle in the grocery store. being the chocolate-lover that i already was as a youngin', these little treats apparently kept me fairly silent and a happy camper during our treks to the store (at least i think they worked pretty well - you'll have to talk to my mom to hear the complete truth).


i've grown up and now enjoy going to the grocery store and can do so without chocolate in my mouth. but in a lot of ways, i think i'm still the little girl in the grocery shopping cart, needing little pieces of chocolate along the way to get me through from aisle to aisle. except now it's not getting through aisles in a grocery store, but the days, weeks, and months of life's ups and downs, questions and uncertainties, frustrations and sadness, excitement and worry. sometimes the rain gets me down, and sometimes i just long so deeply to "get it" and am saddened that i don't.

what i find so surprising and wonderful is how God provides the chocolate candies to me in small but significant ways that give me the strength and the courage to persevere and carry on when i feel sort of stuck. it's the long conversations with friends, or the encouraging words from a professor, a short quote, or a peaceful and beautiful run outdoors. that's when i hear God speaking "i care about you and i'm still here."

so when i'm weary or frustrated or trying my hardest to be at peace, i need to wait - wait for God to provide the strength i need, in whatever chocolate-morsel form that comes in :)

the kingdom and NT Wright

this post is dedicated to my cousin scott, who told me to read a book that has changed my life. i am so grateful.

i came home from latin america with a lot of stories, frustrations, questions, some doubts, and maybe most significantly, a lot of fear. i was angry with systems of injustice in the world, but what was more upsetting about it was the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and a trembling heart of how to engage and what to do in response.

but i knew deep down in my heart that i couldn't live in this way - couldn't live swallowed by fear and hopelessness, couldn't live so far away from joy and love that brings out the best in me - that brings out the best in all of us and allows me to engage and grow and learn and be at peace with that journey.

in conversation with my cousin scott, i bought NT Wright's book Suprised by Hope. i think i mention this book in almost every serious conversation i have with someone about my semester in latin america. i talk about some of my struggles and then i talk about this book and how it affected my perspective and encouraged me to live more fully, more abundantly, and how that was possible through a life committed to Christ.


"The message of Easter is that God’s new world has been unveiled in Jesus Christ and that you’re now invited to belong to it" (252-3) 

 

“Of course, in our incomplete world God’s gentle offer and demand press upon us as fearful things, almost threatening. But God’s offer and demand are neither fearful nor threatening. God in his gentle love longs to set us free from the prison we have stumbled into—the loveless prison where we refuse both the offer and the demand of forgiveness. We are like a frightened bird before him, shrinking away lest this demand crush us completely. But when we eventually yield--when he corners us and finally takes us in his hand—we find to our astonishment that he is infinitely gentle and that his only aim is to release us from our prison, to set us free to be the people he made us to be. But when we fly out into the sunshine, how can we not then offer the same gentle gift of freedom, of forgiveness, to those around us? That is the truth of the resurrection, turned into prayer, turned into forgiveness and remission of debts, turned into love. It is constantly surprising, constantly full of hope, constantly coming to us from God’s future to shape us into the people through whom God can carry out his work in the world” (289)

i am invited to belong to a kingdom
i am invited to be free to be the person He has made me to be
i am invited to let God shape me into someone who can carry out his work in the world

it's an invitation. it's God saying "hey alyssa, do you want to be apart of something wonderful, something really hard and challenging, but something that is the most fulfilling and most satisfying way you can spend your life?" and if i do accept the invitation, if i really let Him direct and guide my path, freedom, hope, and love will flow from my heart just as he has given those very things to me. unfortunately i'll accept the invitation with muddy hands, with a fearful and reluctant heart, with a broken mind, but i'm grateful he accepts those hands, that he loves my heart and mind and is committed to using them - no matter how distant they are from perfect.

the invitation to obedience, to kingdom work is not something i should fear or run away from because it's a bunch of rules or list of obligations or burdens. rather, the invitation is to be apart of something i am created for - something of significance and beauty that my heart longs to be a part of.

in the book of deuteronomy, moses says his people:
 Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live! You can make this choice by loving the Lord your God, obeying him, and committing yourself firmly to him. This is the key to your life" (Deuteronomy 30:19-20) 

maybe what moses was getting at here was that to live abundantly meant to be close to God, and the best way was being close to his commandments in order to live a life pleasing to him. i believe that choosing life and obeying God isn't just an individual relationship with him (while that is still so important), but it's being a part of community, of learning to love and serve people, of studying and running and singing and laughing and eating with friends - because God is present there and i want to get to know him through his people, through the people and places that he loves. i'm suprised to find him there - to find him as i study political science, to find him in the conversations with my apartment-mates, to find him in the breath of fresh new england air as my feet run across crunchy fall leaves.

i have become more convinced of kingdom work, of the great commission to be apart of hope and love on earth now - recognizing its eternal invitation, but responding to that invitation in the ways in which i live my life now. i wish a response to this invitation took away all sadness and brokenness, that it would erase genocide and disease, death and loneliness. i have to wait for that, but i get to be a part of kingdom work while i'm waiting. i am invited to hope, to learn, to laugh, to think, and to draw closer to a God who designed me with a purpose. i hope to respond to this invitation, to participate in this kingdom joyfully, lovingly, and hopefully.

thanks be to God.

meaningful words

commonprayer.net is continuing to bless me this morning.

“To love someone is not first of all to do things for them, but to reveal to them their beauty and value, to say to them through our attitude: ‘You are beautiful. You are important. I trust you. You can trust yourself.’ We all know well that we can do things for others and in the process crush them, making them feel that they are incapable of doing things by themselves. To love someone is to reveal to them their capacities for life, the light that is shining in them.”

--Jean Vanier, founder of the L'Arche communities

i need thee, oh i need thee, every hour i need thee

this evening i purused some of my favorite bloggers (i might do this a little too often?) and was struck and encouraged by their thoughts on the first day of advent. unfortunately the santa barbara, san francisco, and boston logan airports were the most sacred grounds i stepped on today so i didn't get to hear about advent from the pulpit...but their reflections were powerful.

i haven't always been a big fan of liturgy, but these prayers were deep and at the same time simple and resonated with me:

Almighty God, give us grace that we may cast away the works of darkness, and put upon us the armor of light, now in the time of this mortal life in which the Son Jesus Christ came to visit us in great humility...

-Book of Common Prayer of the Anglican Tradition 1979 edition

i really need Christ's help to "cast away the works of darkness and put upon the armor of light." i need a savior.

Lord, just as your love knows no bounds and finds endless ways to reveal itself, so help us to express a gratitude too deep for words. Help us to reveal our thanksgiving in the countless ways there are to love others, to provide for those in need, to serve where service is rare. Amen.

-Book of Common Prayer (prayer for others)

i really need Christ's help to "express gratitude too deep for words" (do i even have gratitude too deep for words??) i need a savior.

perhaps my favorite part about the daily book of common prayer (here online!!) is the concluding lines at the end of each prayer - they go like this:

May the peace of the Lord Christ go with you: wherever he may send you;

May he guide you through the wilderness: protect you through the storm;

May he bring you home rejoicing: at the wonders he has shown you;

May he bring you home rejoicing: once again into our doors.

maybe i am taking this a part too much, but it says "may he bring you home rejoicing" twice. and if i was in my AP lit class, when you see repetition, that has to mean something: and i think that it really does here: REJOICE. REJOICE in what God has done, rejoice in what he has taught, rejoice in how he has shown his faithfulness, goodness, love, care & provision. regardless of the circumstances, REJOICE!

i want to rejoice

i want to "cast away the works of darkness and put upon the armor of light"

i want to "express gratitude too deep for words"

i want to "reveal thanksgiving in the countless ways there are to love others, to provide for those in need, to serve where service is rare."

but i can't do any of that. i need help. a lot of help.

right now it is november 29th and i am grateful to be in the advent season with an awareness (however not nearly great enough) that i need a savior. desperately and completely. i need a savior to save me from myself, my selfishness, my sin, my disappointment, my failure. i hope that this advent season i learn more about my need for Jesus, but that i would REJOICE in his abundance, and not wollow in sorrow over sin, but REJOICE in the truth that he has come and he is coming again.

that is reason for celebration!

count your blessings

why should i be surprised by God's goodness and grace to me? he promises his abundance and i should expect and trust that he will provide - from the smallest details to my biggest concerns and worries.

last week was mental health week and i helped organize a chapel service talking about suffering and God's faithfulness and presence amidst those difficult circumstances. with the help of some knowledgeable people, i was able to receive submissions from students and their stories/poetry/song lyrics were read at evening chapel by other students. putting this service together was fairly last minute and i didn't know exactly what was going to be read until the sunday or monday before the service (which was wednesday). i certainly do not enjoy doing things last minute, but God was faithful and the pieces read were moving to me - and i know others were touched as well.

i was worried about timing (we were alloted a certain amount of time and i didn't want to go over/under it), and it was perfectly within the time frame.

i was worried about the readers coming and how the readings would flow from one to another and everyone came in perfect timing and the microphone was passed smoothly.

i was concerned about how this service would fit with the overall theme of "mental health week" and didn't want it to seem like it was focusing on mental health concerns, but rather suffering in general -- and i think & hope that students were able to hear these stories/thoughts, be encouraged, and realize that mental health issues are an example of pain, but that there is so much more to discuss in terms of suffering and faith.

there were some other events throughout the week - a showing of "A Beautiful Mind," a speaker in chapel on Monday, Q&A with a counselor and Psych professor, and it seemed like these activities were well-attended and hopefully beneficial :) I was also greatly helped by the chapel office secretary in formating a Q&A pamphlet with the counseling center. all in all, i was encouraged by God's faithfulness and provisions and know that he answered my prayers, specifically with the evening chapel service and listening to my requests for a smooth and glorifying service.

And more blessings...last night we had a meeting with the peer mentors on campus. there were five mentors who could come and we talked in the student ministries lounge over M&M's (my absolute favorite!) and pumpkin bars (new recipe--thanks mom!) about their experiences mentoring. while not everyone has the easiest experience, there were a few who talked about how well things are going and how much they enjoy meeting with their mentee. the matching process is the part of my job (as an intern) that i like the least because it is stressful and hard to know "who would be good with who." but when i hear about really good conversations and fellowship, see mentors & mentees meeting in lane over breakfast or coffee, i get really excited! i know that God was and is in COMPLETE control of the matching process - there is no doubt in my mind. in the midst of matching i feel uncertain, but am now so certain of God's wisdom in facilitating mentoring relationships through us.

why does he use us? i don't understand, but i am excited to be a part of his work and stand back amazed at his gifts of blessing and faithfulness.

"trust in the Lord with all of your heart. do not depend on your own understanding. seek his will in all of you do, and he will show you which path to take" -Proverbs 3:5-6

¡Ojo!

during my internship two summers ago, i worked in the youth ministry at my church and we studied A Long Obedience in the Same Direction by Eugene Peterson. throughout the summer when something was particularly meaningful in the book, my bosses would say "oh euge.." or "oh gene.." i read this passage from a friend's blog the other day and had an "oh euge" moment because these words are so powerful:

my counsel for you is simple and straightforward: just go ahead with what you've been given. you received Christ Jesus, the Master; now live him. you're deeply rooted in him. you're well constructed upon him. you know your way around the faith. now do what you've been taught. school's out; quit studying the subject and start living it! and let your living spill over into thanksgiving. (colossians 2:6-7 the message)

this weekend i am thankful for..

• getting in to the city and shopping with naomi :)
• trader joe's and pumpkin butter
• the beauty that is new england and having a lovely run in the woods this afternoon
• watching the documentary food, inc. which was both enlightening and disheartening
• starbuck's pumpkin spice lattes
• new favorite song: girl you're amazing by bruno mars

i want to become a more thankful person. i struggle with discontentment - as i compare myself to others or just getting so absorbed in what i am doing that i forget to look up and see what is going on around me and the beauty and blessings that God has given me. so often Bible passages will seem to say directly to me "Look! Look at what is going on around you, look at what you have been given, look at what is in store for you" ... and now the task is to LIVE it. God has given me what i need, he has assigned me my portion and my cup (psalm 16:5) and he wants me to live securely (as the psalm says) in what he has given me.

deep love

Ephesians 3: 18-19

"And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should,

how wide,

how long,

how high,

and how deep his love is.

May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to

understand fully.

Then you will be made

complete

with all the

fullness of life

and power that comes from God."

While I say that God loves me fully and completely, I don't think I always live like I believe this. I live in fear; fear of rejection, fear of hurt, fear of disappointment and failure. I live in loneliness and brokenness, wanting desperately to be known by myself and others, but often feeling misunderstood. I had a good conversation today with a special mentor and she and i talked about what our greatest desires are as humans: to be loved and to be known. I couldn't relate more to this desire to feel loved completely and wholly and to be satisfied by a relationship with someone who knows me and loves me for me. I often find myself looking for this love in the wrong places when I should be focusing on the One who love me the most and knows me completely. His love is deep and it reaches every part of me -- especially the places where I am hurting and feel the most confused and alone. I want to meditate on this verse from Ephesians...and I know that I will never be able to fully experience this deep and powerful love of God because it is too big for my tiny self to comprehend. But I hope to grow in the knowledge of Christ and live loved: knowing that I (we!! -- if anyone is reading this :)) are loved deeply, completely, and wholly and that He is the only one who can satisfy.

shalom

i wish blogspot.com let me put shalom in cursive .. it would be so much more fitting, but alas, this will have to do.

The latest issue of “Stillpoint” (Gordon College's periodical) made me think a little bit about peace...and i was grateful that it opened my eyes to a more expansive definition of peace.

Living and learning at a Christian liberal arts school has challenged, encouraged, and nurtured my faith in many areas and i am so grateful for the many classes, lectures, and discussions that i have been able to be a part of. sometimes though, i struggle with frequent dialogue about world issues that occurs often in chapel, convocation, classes, etc. I struggle with it partly because these issues are so big and i have no idea how to even begin to pray/think about what to do (and my failure is simply to move on and pray about things that i see as having more immediate relevance to my life), and partly because there exists so much brokenness locally on campus and in relationships. i believe that world issues matter deeply to Christ, but that we also need to realize brokenness in our own communities and relationships that are taking place right here on campus. I like how Dr. Wilson puts shalom in a bigger context in his article:

What does it mean, as ministers of reconciliation, to bring shalom to this world? The Hebrew term properly means “wholeness,” “well-being,” or “perfection.” Shalom includes friendship, harmony, and health. Though personal sins and societal imperfections now often thwart shalom, the prophetic vision of shalom will one day not be denied: harmonious relations within a fully redeemed, restored and perfect world. Ultimately He shall “speak peace to the nations” (Zechariah 9:10) and they “will not learn war anymore” (Isaiah 2:4). As agents of peace and reconciliation, we presently await its culmination.

-Dr. Marvin Wilson, Peace That Passes Understanding: Toward a Theology of Peacemaking, StillPoint Spring 2010, Volume 25, No. 2

Wholeness, well-being, perfection. are these words not our greatest desires for ourselves? i long to be whole and complete, to have peace between myself & others (or simply peace within myself). i want so desperately to be perfect but i fail time and time again. but... i am excited that i serve a God who is a peacemaker and cares deeply about peace -- not just peace around the world, but peace within myself and with others. he cares about my relationships, my community here at gordon and at home, and he wants peace to exist there - and all across the globe. henri nouwen has a quote that is quite relevant to this...he says in his short book In the Name of Jesus, "The knowledge of Jesus' heart is a knowledge of the heart. And when we live in the world with that knowledge, we cannot do other than bring healing, reconciliation, new life, and hope wherever we go" (41).

i have struggled to write this blog post for a week now because i don't really know how to express how i feel about these quotes/articles that i read...but i guess this will have to do...i have a lot to learn about peace but i am grateful to be surrounded by people and books who can teach me :)

initiate

i live for good conversations: coffee dates, lunch dates, walk-around-the-block-dates. anything, really. i love the one-on-one dialogue and listening & learning from others -- and having someone listening to my own story.

this summer was no exception of good conversations between many different family members and friends. i am blessed. one conversation that i want to write about happened with my uncle alan while we were celebrating my grandmother's 80th birthday. i asked him a couple of questions regarding faith and different cultures and i knew that my question couldn't be answered by someone better than him, since he is probably the most well-traveled person i know.

what my uncle taught me, and something that has been continually stirring in my mind ever since is the fact that GOD is the one who has taken the initiative and is continuously pursuing me (us). there was such a wave of joy that came over me after i first started thinking about this, and i still feel joyful today.

why?

because i serve a God who is actively seeking me out, no matter how far i go, no matter how badly i mess up. i think that this was even more apparent to me as i studied the book of david with my church this summer. through david's life God showed me how he was the one who:

-made a covenant with david

-led david through many trials and tribulations

-fought for david (steve jolley's sermon on the story of david & goliath pointed to the fact that God fights our battles for us -- Deut. 1:30)

-forgave David (sinning with bathsheba was a pretty big slip unfortunately)

God was the one who did all of the above. david messed up pretty badly, but God was faithful and carried david through so many different seasons of life (running away, being king, being sinful and then turning in repentance).

as i look at that story, and think about what my uncle taught me about God's role in our lives and his sovereignty, i am overcome with peace and thankfulness because i see God fulfilling his promises, seeking after his people (who are incredibly screwed up), and walking with them every step of the way. yes, we should strive to seek God out in every part of our lives, but only because God did it first.

i'm reading deuteronomy (side note: i am definitely skipping some of the more tedious chapters) and am encouraged by God's love for his people and his deep desire for their obedience. i leave you with two verses which both demonstrate God's initiative in our lives and his desire for us to follow him wholeheartedly. how blessed i am that HE has initiated a relationship with me and has provided a book full of his promises -- fulfilled and waiting to be fulfilled.

Deuteronomy 1:29

"The Lord your God is going ahead of you.

He will fight for you, just as you saw him do in Egypt"

Deuteronomy 10:12

"And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God require of you?

He requires only that you fear the Lord your God, and live in a way that pleases him, and love him and serve him with all your heart and soul."

P.S. picture above taken on an early morning hike on camp winnipesaukee during the GCSM retreat (a wonderful time if i might add!!)