because i'm limited

time is running out.

that's what i feel like saying to myself as i think about the papers that need to be written and the places in boston i want to see and the friends i want to spend time with and the plans i need to make and the responsibilities i need to take care of. may 19th (aka graduation) is just around the corner and with that comes a whole new world of decisions and questions and transitions and so many things i'm just not prepared nor ready to face.

a wise mentor recommended i read a book called The Wisdom of Stability: Rooting Faith in a Mobile Culture by Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove. WOWZA. the book is short (a mere 146 pages) and says things that are very counter-cultural and provocative. he [wislon-hartgrove] asks questions that i am not used to asking myself (especially as a westerner)...but questions i must ask myself.

i remember talking to a friend before she moved over seas for an internship and she talked about how limited we are as human beings and the miracle that Jesus became limited (in human form) to meet us on earth. i had never thought of it that way before: Jesus could have done a bazillion things at once - like miracle here miracle there, evaporate to egypt then hit up turkey to save as many people as possible. but he didn't. he WALKED. he let people wash his feet. he hung out in a desert for 40 days, he slept on a boat.
Jesus lived within limits ... do we? do i??


as westerners i don't think we understand limits -- we think we can do it all and do it all well. this is one of wilson-hartgrove's biggest themes. the way he describes limits is thinking about a tree and how it grows within a specific circumference and gets the nutrients it needs through its "drip line." it's the extent of those roots that allows the tree to quench its thirst -- and only within the extent of those roots.
the book has a lot of themes i would love to talk about - but that's for another post. as for now, i am thinking about how i am a limited person, and being okay with this at a time in my life where i wish i could do everything and be everywhere, especially as i prepare for goodbyes and leaving people and places i have come to love so much.

so i must enter this phase, (every phase for that matter!!), of my life recognizing my limitations -- recognizing that i can't get it all done, i can't spend every hour of my day relishing the sunsets and eating ice cream with a friend or walking along the beach, or writing a brilliant paper for every class (that doesn't mean i shouldn't try to write well, though!!). some days i will have to spend 6 hours in the library, some days i'll have to go to bed early, and some days i just will simply need to sit on my bed and read a book even though my day's ambitions are anything but that.

i'm convinced that the way Jesus lived his life is a way i need to model, a way i need to try, however imperfectly to model in my own life. if there is anyone on this earth who had a reason to live frantically and stressfully, it was him. but he didn't. he lived gracefully and peacefully and fully. i want to learn to do likewise.

the massachusetts winter....that wasn't

 singing beach, manchester-by-the-sea

 marybeth & i at singing beach

dane street beach, beverly

so remember that post i wrote about having a very difficult time adjusting to massachusetts winter? for some reason right after that post, the winter got quite a bit warmer. and it's honestly been one of the most glorious things i've experienced the past few weeks.

friday afternoon:

took my little bag of M&M's to singing beach in manchester-be-the-sea and walked along the beach while watching the sunset and eating chocolate

saturday afternoon:

coffee at essen with marybeth and then walked along the same beach and watched about 50 dogs running around on the sand chasing each other (made me miss my dog tanya)

sunday morning:

made chocolate-chip pumpkin pancakes with my friend alyssa and took them and freshly brewed coffee to dane street beach and enjoyed the marvelous beauty while indulging in a delicious breakfast.

IN.... FEBRUARY (!!!)

"get outta town!" as my dad would say

i can't explain how excited i get with this winter - i went to the beach and enjoyed climbing on the rocks and smiled so widely to myself, i got sand in my shoes which i usually don't like but i was like "what a great problem to have!!" and any beach view in the morning is one of the most beautiful things you can ever see. 

i am 

so. 

thankful. 

happy valentime's day!!

yes, that was an intended spelling mishap! when i think of valentine's day (that's the correct spelling in case you forgot), i think of the way my sister libby always used to say it: valentime's day. don't ask us why, but that's how she said it - and i kind of love it.

i love valentine's day. no matter how single i am, i love it. to me valentine's day is waking up to see's chocolate on the kitchen table and pink milk (food coloring o' course!), heart shaped peanut-butter & jelly sandwiches and maybe heart biscuits for dinner. it's lots of chocolate and those cute valentine's you get from your entire class in elementary school. i am blessed to consider valentine's day as a day where people tell  that i am loved. i know that's a gift.

my mom celebrates valentine's day the best. she decorates our house with all kinds of fun things and has M&M's and kisses everywhere. she makes valentine's day crafty and fun and all about love for friends and family which is the best way to celebrate it. i'm so thankful for the way she taught me to show love through the little things like crafts and chocolates and creative fun.

so this year i decided to have some fun with valentine's day and made some valentine's for my apartmentmates and friends! last week i had a little evening to myself which included the following:

1) chocolate

2) paper, glue, scissors

3) paint & sponges

3) friends episodes & nicholas sparks movies

i sat happily on the floor and cut out hearts and watched noah and allie and landon and jamie fall in love and enjoyed that while eating my nestle milk chocolate chips. laugh all you want but it was delightful.

these are what some of the valentine's look like...

and these are the little boxes i got at the craft store and had fun sponge painting them. i was trying to make the initials look pretty using limited resources (aka q-tips) and they didn't turn out so great...but oh well. there's always next time.

i then filled them with some delicious M&M's which i hope they'll enjoy

my next adventure will be in the kitchen attempting this recipe that i found on pintrest: 

i don't have exciting plans for valentine's day but i plan to wear something pink-ish and will consume as much chocolate as i can :)

so happy valentine's day! i hope you feel loved and get to love on special people today!

wednesdays and fridays

on wednesdays and fridays i find myself seated with random strangers on a train heading south into the city. i look for the nearest empty seat, sit, and open my book - sometimes my sociology text book or wendell berry or some other homework assignment. the rhythm of the train and the rays of the sun usually let me drift off to sleep for just a few minutes. i hear in the background

SALEM

LYNN

CHELSEA

we're getting closer.

they call the last stop: north station and i walk off this train with a hundred people i don't know, but we're all going somewhere and we gotta get there fast. we're wearing our black boots and coats and scarves and mittens and talking on our cell phones and entering into the city just like it's any normal day. we're swimming upstream and we don't look back. 

 i go pass the dunkin' donuts and the bruins posters and push open the door outside. the TD garden sign is big and it reminds me that here, in boston, our sports teams are a religion. i am no longer cheering for the UCLA bruins. i'm cheering for hockey bruins and we ARE stanley cup champions. 

i cross the street and i'm enveloped in the big buildings of the city. for these 10 minutes of walking i forget about school, about graduation, about questions and frustrations and everything else. the city feels big and the buildings are tall and i find myself looking up into the sky and just being happy that they're there. 

to my left is faneuil hall and i can see the big clock tower. i walk along the bricks, sometimes clumsuly in my high heeled shoes, wondering why i didn't inherit my grandmother's skillful walking in stilletos. 

finally i'm at the old state house and there's this placard in the ground that says March 5, 1770 and i remember being here in high school with my dad who stuck out like a sore thumb being so tall and wearing his CAL sweatshirt with the tourist map in towe. we were standing where the boston massacre happened and i remember wanting to come back to the east coast. somehow. someday.

i get to my street and i'm in between the tallest buildings and it's sort of gray because their shadows cast down on the alley way but it doesn't feel dark or lonely, it feels good. and rejuvinating. i enter the office and press the button to get on the elevator and i look up at the mirror-roof and smile big because somehow i navigated my way there. and i loved the journey it took to get there. 

i'm in boston. where we hate new york, where we know how to swear and our street cred isn't real unless we use the f word in every sentence. i'm in boston where we might not go to work after the pats loose and where mike's pastry shop sells the most delicious cannolis and we have statues of paul revere. i'm in a city that i know so little about but at the same time know that i love being in it - even when i don't have an exact place to go or agenda to meet, i feel excited by the noises and the hustle-bustle and the smells of cigarette smoke and italian restaurants and sea food.

i cross the streets to go back to north station and i know i'm going in the right direction because i see the bridge with the huge suspensions. i find a seat somewhere on the train and sit next to people who i don't know but think have been working for hours and are excited to come home and get out of the city. the same city that i love to get in. i sit there and watch the conductors open the doors for each stop.
CHELSEA
LYNN
SALEM

and then i am home.

the one where i say "hell" maybe too many times

about a month ago i wrote a question that was featured on my friend hilary's blog. she writes posts in a life (un)masked series in a question-answer format. i asked her if i could send a question and she happily accepted. this was my question:

Dear Hilary,

I write because I’m scared. I’m scared of the coming and leaving, the hellos and goodbyes, the falling in love with people and places and experiences and then having to put it all away, like they’re only memories and nothing more. I’m scared of the “next steps” - the new relationships and the new places I’m about to embark upon as I graduate because I know I’m going to going to fall in love and get my heart broken. I already have — haven’t we all? So I’m asking if it’s worth it to give ourselves completely to the people and the places and the relationships, knowing we’re going to weep and be heartbroken? Is it worth it to invest myself in the things that I do, even though I know I’ll be disappointed and hurt? I guess the question really is... is it worth it to live fully?

Sincerely,
Scared


please read her response here. she wrote to me about "living the hell out of life" -- that we have such a short time to love and that we can't run away from the fear, but must embrace it and live the hell out of it. 


a few days later i was sitting in my car waiting for the train inbound to boston with the rain pitter-pattering on the roof and i needed to write words in response. here they are:

Dear Hilary,

Sometimes I think writing is a better way to express than talking. Sometimes words in my voice don’t convey the meaning I want them to.

So: live the hell out of life.

Yes.

I interact often with senior citizens and I love it. I realize something when I hang out with them: they didn’t regret loving people, places or things. They look at me with joy when I tell them I go to school and work and run and bake and hike with my family. They have people visit them who were apart of their story, part of the loving and losing and living. And when my elderly friend turned 101 a year ago and we sang "happy birthday" to him, I had tears in my eyes because 101 is a lot of years, memories, loving, learning, falling, jumping, mourning, celebrating — it’s 101 years of life. And there’s no doubt in my mind that he doesn’t regret loving his wife of 70-something years or loving the place he calls home. And maybe that meant grief over an illness his wife suffered or struggling to build community in a place that is your home but at the same time leaves you feeling like an outcast. I never asked him, but I think he would tell me to live the hell out of life: that it’s worth it no matter how many candles are on your birthday cake. It’s worth it because God didn’t put us on earth to be protected or to run away.
I’m still trying to figure out why he did put me on earth. And while I’m uncertain, I am confident he didn’t do it to scare me.

So let’s live the hell out of life...and help show each other how to do that.

Love, 

Scared (aka Alyssa) 

C.S. Lewis writes in The Four Loves that "to love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...

We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour" (121-2).

Aren't those good words?? And as scared as i am about the vulnerability, i'm convinced that love rocks any reason to hold back. 


so...live the hell out of life? let's do it.