just some sister wedding dreaming

this weekend was filled with everything wedding. and through it all i felt a mix of nostalgia and excitement as i think about my sister's weddings - some day in the future. i thought about what it will be like to put on a foofy white dress, how i'll cry as i watch my dad walk libby and kelsey down the ailse, what i'll write in my toast to my sisters, how beautiful my mom will look as she helps us get ready, which songs i will make sure we dance to, what i'll say to my dad before he walks me down the aisle, what i'll say to my sisters before they say "i do". i can't wait to see kels's eyes sparkle and libby's smile shine against her freckles as they see whoever it is at the end of the aisle. i am eager to meet whoever it is that will be the source of months of stories and dating adventures and long phone calls and midnight heart-to-hearts. i am excited to meet a new addition to our family - someone who will adore my sisters for the unique and special persons that they are.

i miss these girls like crazy this summer. i miss the way they laugh and make me laugh. i miss the way they smile and annoy each other and bother my parents. i miss our dance parties when we're supposed to be washing dishes and our drives to get frozen yogurt after dinner. i miss going to bed before them and listening to them getting ready in the bathroom and [rudely] awakening me while i drift off to sleep. i miss the way kelsey's room is always a mess and libby's alarm has to go off 5 times before she makes her entrance into the kitchen in the morning.

i'm so grateful God gave me two beautiful sisters. and i hope and dream that one day i'll be a part of their special wedding day.

but until then, we've got lots of living and laughing and learning to do together -- and that is something to be grateful for. 

4th of july: new england style

i wanted a new england summer when i decided to stay out in massachusetts after graduation. and so far, summer has proven to be just that -- filled with new england sunshine, thunderstorms, lots and lots of green, and a very patriotic 4th of july celebration.

the day began at my friend bekah's house where we (per pintrest inspiration) decorated pretzels and strawberries

we brought them to her family's house for their annual 4th of july BBQ. it was held outside in their backyard and it was filled with red, white, and blue decorations, hamburgers and salads, patriotic T-shirts and plenty of festive spirit. and there was even a brief thunderstorm in the middle too!

after a delicious lunch we headed to the wakefield town parade

it was the perfect town parade -- lots of music, cars and bands, colonial attire, and politicians shaking hands along their walk. i loved it.

new england houses are decked out for the fourth with decorations and it was so fun to be a part of the celebration this year. nature also contributed to the fireworks show with crazy lightning that was fun to watch in the evening. 

all in all, it was a very happy 4th of july. hope yours was great too!

choosing thankfulness

Ann Voskamp wrote a book awhile back about being thankful for the big and small gifts. her work has sparked a lot of talk, a lot of blogs and articles and iphone apps (you can take pictures of things you're thankful for and record them on your phone! crazy!) i guess it's silly of me to be mentioning her because i actually haven't read her book yet, but the premise is inspiration enough, and something i need to be more a-tune to at this stage in my life.

i've come to realize that being thankful is a choice. sometimes it can come naturally, especially in november when we're thinking about food and family and what we're going to say around the Thanksgiving table. it's easier to be thankful when we're pondering what we have in light of what many do not have and it's our first response often times when we're happy and content.

but there's this trap that hits me in the face frequently -- it's called comparison. it's sort of like a plague in my mind because it tells me i'm not good enough, that other people have it better, that i don't measure up, and that ...well, my life sucks and i don't have it together and everything is wrong. "comparison is the thief of joy" so they say and i believe that is 100% truth.

as a recently college-graduate, comparison is a huge temptation. when i have the attitude of comparison, i see everyone else's life as completely put together and perfect and i feel insecure and jealous. but maybe what's the saddest thing about comparison is that it just isn't fair. it's not fair to anyone because we are so different, our dreams and hopes and skills and experiences are so different -- and comparing ourselves to each other cheapens who we are as people and doesn't give enough attention to the uniqueness of who we are and what we can do. i'm not meant for the same sort of life as my friends are -- and that fact sometimes can feel like a tragedy to me, but really it would be more of a tragedy if it were true because i would be missing out on something that i am much more suited for. the tragedy is i wouldn't be using the gifts and abilities God has uniquely given to me and only me.

so, back to the word thankfulness. i think it's easy when we try to be thankful to lie to ourselves. if we're focusing on being thankful we can cover up our feelings and insecurities. we can repeat to ourselves the good things in life and force ourselves to be joyful and thankful and happy and put-together. we can force ourselves to "always look on the bright side" and see the "glass half full."

but thankfulness isn't about lying to ourselves; it isn't about covering up the feelings of doubt and insecurity and frustration and deep longing. i think thankfulness is a response to these feelings -- it's a response that demands that we stare these feelings and emotions in the face, that we wrestle with them and kick and scream at them, but don't let them lead us to places of comparison and doubt.

i would be lying to myself if i said it was easy, in the midst of weddings and engagements and late-night pillow talk about new boyfriends and first kisses, to be single. i would be lying to myself if i said i was completely fine not knowing what the month of september is going to look like. i would be lying to myself if i disregarded my desire to have a sense of career direction and immediate career goals.

because the truth? the honest, real, truth? i wish i wasn't single - i wish i was the one talking about romantic walks on the beach and fun dates. i wish i did know what september held and what i was going to be doing. i wish i had a sense of career direction and could experience a sense of peace in that path.

but, for now, i want to be thankful in a way that is honest and true. i want to be honest with the feelings and the doubts, but choose to see the big and small gifts -- the gift that i don't have to know right now what my job is going to be because i am in a good place economically. the gift of loving many things and knowing that i have many opportunities and the challenge will be choosing which opportunities i pursue.

i want to choose to be thankful for my body -- for legs that can run and arms that can carry things, and hair that gets wavy in the humidity. i want to be thankful for the muscles to move and to not beat myself up when i give in to the lemon meringue pie at dinner or the packet of M&M's i probably shouldn't have eaten.

i want to be thankful for the gifts of friends and a place to live (even without AC!) and a job for the summer and a beautiful place to live. i want to choose to enjoy McDonald's $1 iced coffee and being adopted into friends' families and watching TV and not having to do homework.

sometimes i forget i have a choice in this matter -- i have a choice in what i decide to do with the beautiful life i have been given. in this season of life, i want to be a person who is honest about the challenges and worries, but chooses thankfulness as her response.