why we need the pep talks

so what's next?
i hear the question in my head as i make my breakfast in the morning, as i trek to the train inbound to boston, and as i watch my doctor show private practice with friends on thursday nights.

i don't know what's next.

and in the state of not knowing, i start to doubt myself...

but i've noticed something: i don't doubt my friends who are sitting right next to me, thinking and feeling the exact same things i am. i believe that they can do it, i believe they can figure out finances and resumes and cover letters and job interviews and writing papers and saying goodbyes and finding time to go for a run on a saturday morning. i believe that they can find a place to live on their own and pay their car bills and walk across those steps at graduation.

but some days i don't believe any of that for myself.

as we sit eating our simple dinners of macaroni & cheese, soup, and anything frozen, i tell them that all those things we've learned in class - all that mind-bending stuff we've learned about racism and political philosophy and counseling theories and constitutional law - i tell them it matters. i tell them that our roads aren't going to be straight paths and we're not going to understand why we had these experiences or how it is going to impact people, and continue to impact us. but i tell them it will, someday, some how. the road is going to be curvy and unclear and frustrating, but it's going to be okay. it's going to be better than okay.

i tell them this because in saying those words out loud, i start to believe them for myself. i tell them they are going to do exciting things and impact people because of what they have learned and seen.
maybe that is true for me too
i tell them that their experiences in uganda and mexico and spain and those hard internships and cross-cultural craziness taught them something - even if they don't know what it was yet.
maybe that's true for me too
i tell them to take one day at a time (my mom's words) and that they are beautiful and wonderful and have a heart that is passionate for something - even if they don't know exactly what it is yet
maybe that's true for me too

i give the pep talks because i desperately need the pep talks. i believe my friends can write these long papers and work in schools with difficult kids and apply for jobs and train for half marathons.
but i usually don't believe that i can.

so we pull each other up - the one of us who is doing the encouraging isn't just encouraging the one who is crying in the corner. she's actually speaking the same truth to herself (sometimes i'm the one crying in the corner, sometimes i'm the encourager - depends on the day).

i could give a thousand reasons for why we need friends, but this month i'm discovering that i need friends because they are a reflection of myself and the things i need to hear and listen to. i am so blessed to do life with these beautiful friends who laugh, dance, shout, run, walk, cry, and learn with me. i want to listen to their advice, and to my own.

i want to believe in them, and in doing so, believe in myself.

because i'm limited

time is running out.

that's what i feel like saying to myself as i think about the papers that need to be written and the places in boston i want to see and the friends i want to spend time with and the plans i need to make and the responsibilities i need to take care of. may 19th (aka graduation) is just around the corner and with that comes a whole new world of decisions and questions and transitions and so many things i'm just not prepared nor ready to face.

a wise mentor recommended i read a book called The Wisdom of Stability: Rooting Faith in a Mobile Culture by Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove. WOWZA. the book is short (a mere 146 pages) and says things that are very counter-cultural and provocative. he [wislon-hartgrove] asks questions that i am not used to asking myself (especially as a westerner)...but questions i must ask myself.

i remember talking to a friend before she moved over seas for an internship and she talked about how limited we are as human beings and the miracle that Jesus became limited (in human form) to meet us on earth. i had never thought of it that way before: Jesus could have done a bazillion things at once - like miracle here miracle there, evaporate to egypt then hit up turkey to save as many people as possible. but he didn't. he WALKED. he let people wash his feet. he hung out in a desert for 40 days, he slept on a boat.
Jesus lived within limits ... do we? do i??


as westerners i don't think we understand limits -- we think we can do it all and do it all well. this is one of wilson-hartgrove's biggest themes. the way he describes limits is thinking about a tree and how it grows within a specific circumference and gets the nutrients it needs through its "drip line." it's the extent of those roots that allows the tree to quench its thirst -- and only within the extent of those roots.
the book has a lot of themes i would love to talk about - but that's for another post. as for now, i am thinking about how i am a limited person, and being okay with this at a time in my life where i wish i could do everything and be everywhere, especially as i prepare for goodbyes and leaving people and places i have come to love so much.

so i must enter this phase, (every phase for that matter!!), of my life recognizing my limitations -- recognizing that i can't get it all done, i can't spend every hour of my day relishing the sunsets and eating ice cream with a friend or walking along the beach, or writing a brilliant paper for every class (that doesn't mean i shouldn't try to write well, though!!). some days i will have to spend 6 hours in the library, some days i'll have to go to bed early, and some days i just will simply need to sit on my bed and read a book even though my day's ambitions are anything but that.

i'm convinced that the way Jesus lived his life is a way i need to model, a way i need to try, however imperfectly to model in my own life. if there is anyone on this earth who had a reason to live frantically and stressfully, it was him. but he didn't. he lived gracefully and peacefully and fully. i want to learn to do likewise.

bendiciones en latinoamérica

my semester in costa rica isn't exactly like a vacation. yes, i have vacationed on the beach, yes i do eat mangos and melon almost every day, and i have not worn my favorite north face fleece at all in 2011 (thank goodness!)... but this semester has probably been one of the most challenging semesters i have had. i'm faced with scary questions, big world issues, and different faith perspectives and ways of interpreting Scripture that makes it hard to process everything - especially in a place i'm not familiar with and without the people who know me the most.

last week i think i was in the "mid semester slump" and i cried frequently - but i am becoming more okay with my emotions (haha) and am learning to let the tears come, and then keep a' goin! (with the encouragement and prayer of family and friends, of course! i certainly can't do this by myself!) sometimes that means wearing my new "boy ban" sunglasses (fake ray bands bought in nicaragua - i couldn't resist) to cover up puffy eyes, sometimes it means listening to katy perry over and over again on the exercise machine (i'm a firework! thanks k.p.), and just praying that God would give me peace and a thankful heart for what he is teaching me here in latin america.

this week has been better and i think God has placed it on my heart to work towards a greater spirit of thankfulness (something i always need to be working harder towards) and so i want to write a little bit about some of the things i am so thankful for and some of the ways i have been touched and loved this semester.

[hermanas: gabi, me, glori, susan]

these are my sisters at their soccer game right before nicaragua. while i don't get to spend a lot of time with them each day because we are both in school and they work as well, they have been so patient, kind, and loving to me. they invite me to almost everything that they do whether they are going to hang out with their friends, go to the movies, or are just watching TV. they help me with my spanish homework, always greet me with a hug & kiss and are willing to help me in whatever way they can. they are such a blessing.

[nicaragua friends]

i honestly can't look at this picture without getting the biggest smile on my face and starting to laugh. one day i came home from being at the church in our little town in nicaragua and these two men were sitting outside my house smoking and just chatting. the man on the left (i am embarrassed to say that i didn't catch their names) is my uncle and the man the right is his friend. apparently my uncle worked in the US for a number of years doing some kind of electrical work and we talked all about northern california, the freeways, and where he used to work (being born in no. cal was a huge advantage for me since i met a lot of nicaraguans who had worked in the san francisco area!). they talked about different spanish accents and how mexicans and nicaraguans speak differently. they were so funny and i had so much fun laughing with them, comparing spanish accents, and listening to them talk back and forth to one another with such expression and emotion. i had to take a picture to remember them and one of the best conversations i had in nicaragua.

[some other blessings]

on monday i had a wonderful skype date with my dear aunt and grandma b. it was so much fun to talk to them, and i was even more excited when i got a letter in the mail from my grandma! it made my day and i was so happy to sit outside and read from her beautiful handwriting. thanks grandma!

this weekend i learned some new recipes! cake ("que que"), gallo pinto, and patacones (delish!). i also met up with a friend in san jose and saw some beautiful art, laughed a lot with my host parents, and decided that i probably will never completely understand how to properly use the imperfect and preterite tenses (but i think i'm okay with that).

i am blessed in so many ways ...and those blessings have continued to come in unique times and places here in latin america, even during times where i feel overwhelmed. so, i want to end by saying, as we do in latinoamérica, gracias a Dios.

deep love

Ephesians 3: 18-19

"And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should,

how wide,

how long,

how high,

and how deep his love is.

May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to

understand fully.

Then you will be made

complete

with all the

fullness of life

and power that comes from God."

While I say that God loves me fully and completely, I don't think I always live like I believe this. I live in fear; fear of rejection, fear of hurt, fear of disappointment and failure. I live in loneliness and brokenness, wanting desperately to be known by myself and others, but often feeling misunderstood. I had a good conversation today with a special mentor and she and i talked about what our greatest desires are as humans: to be loved and to be known. I couldn't relate more to this desire to feel loved completely and wholly and to be satisfied by a relationship with someone who knows me and loves me for me. I often find myself looking for this love in the wrong places when I should be focusing on the One who love me the most and knows me completely. His love is deep and it reaches every part of me -- especially the places where I am hurting and feel the most confused and alone. I want to meditate on this verse from Ephesians...and I know that I will never be able to fully experience this deep and powerful love of God because it is too big for my tiny self to comprehend. But I hope to grow in the knowledge of Christ and live loved: knowing that I (we!! -- if anyone is reading this :)) are loved deeply, completely, and wholly and that He is the only one who can satisfy.

initiate

i live for good conversations: coffee dates, lunch dates, walk-around-the-block-dates. anything, really. i love the one-on-one dialogue and listening & learning from others -- and having someone listening to my own story.

this summer was no exception of good conversations between many different family members and friends. i am blessed. one conversation that i want to write about happened with my uncle alan while we were celebrating my grandmother's 80th birthday. i asked him a couple of questions regarding faith and different cultures and i knew that my question couldn't be answered by someone better than him, since he is probably the most well-traveled person i know.

what my uncle taught me, and something that has been continually stirring in my mind ever since is the fact that GOD is the one who has taken the initiative and is continuously pursuing me (us). there was such a wave of joy that came over me after i first started thinking about this, and i still feel joyful today.

why?

because i serve a God who is actively seeking me out, no matter how far i go, no matter how badly i mess up. i think that this was even more apparent to me as i studied the book of david with my church this summer. through david's life God showed me how he was the one who:

-made a covenant with david

-led david through many trials and tribulations

-fought for david (steve jolley's sermon on the story of david & goliath pointed to the fact that God fights our battles for us -- Deut. 1:30)

-forgave David (sinning with bathsheba was a pretty big slip unfortunately)

God was the one who did all of the above. david messed up pretty badly, but God was faithful and carried david through so many different seasons of life (running away, being king, being sinful and then turning in repentance).

as i look at that story, and think about what my uncle taught me about God's role in our lives and his sovereignty, i am overcome with peace and thankfulness because i see God fulfilling his promises, seeking after his people (who are incredibly screwed up), and walking with them every step of the way. yes, we should strive to seek God out in every part of our lives, but only because God did it first.

i'm reading deuteronomy (side note: i am definitely skipping some of the more tedious chapters) and am encouraged by God's love for his people and his deep desire for their obedience. i leave you with two verses which both demonstrate God's initiative in our lives and his desire for us to follow him wholeheartedly. how blessed i am that HE has initiated a relationship with me and has provided a book full of his promises -- fulfilled and waiting to be fulfilled.

Deuteronomy 1:29

"The Lord your God is going ahead of you.

He will fight for you, just as you saw him do in Egypt"

Deuteronomy 10:12

"And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God require of you?

He requires only that you fear the Lord your God, and live in a way that pleases him, and love him and serve him with all your heart and soul."

P.S. picture above taken on an early morning hike on camp winnipesaukee during the GCSM retreat (a wonderful time if i might add!!)