why we need the pep talks

so what's next?
i hear the question in my head as i make my breakfast in the morning, as i trek to the train inbound to boston, and as i watch my doctor show private practice with friends on thursday nights.

i don't know what's next.

and in the state of not knowing, i start to doubt myself...

but i've noticed something: i don't doubt my friends who are sitting right next to me, thinking and feeling the exact same things i am. i believe that they can do it, i believe they can figure out finances and resumes and cover letters and job interviews and writing papers and saying goodbyes and finding time to go for a run on a saturday morning. i believe that they can find a place to live on their own and pay their car bills and walk across those steps at graduation.

but some days i don't believe any of that for myself.

as we sit eating our simple dinners of macaroni & cheese, soup, and anything frozen, i tell them that all those things we've learned in class - all that mind-bending stuff we've learned about racism and political philosophy and counseling theories and constitutional law - i tell them it matters. i tell them that our roads aren't going to be straight paths and we're not going to understand why we had these experiences or how it is going to impact people, and continue to impact us. but i tell them it will, someday, some how. the road is going to be curvy and unclear and frustrating, but it's going to be okay. it's going to be better than okay.

i tell them this because in saying those words out loud, i start to believe them for myself. i tell them they are going to do exciting things and impact people because of what they have learned and seen.
maybe that is true for me too
i tell them that their experiences in uganda and mexico and spain and those hard internships and cross-cultural craziness taught them something - even if they don't know what it was yet.
maybe that's true for me too
i tell them to take one day at a time (my mom's words) and that they are beautiful and wonderful and have a heart that is passionate for something - even if they don't know exactly what it is yet
maybe that's true for me too

i give the pep talks because i desperately need the pep talks. i believe my friends can write these long papers and work in schools with difficult kids and apply for jobs and train for half marathons.
but i usually don't believe that i can.

so we pull each other up - the one of us who is doing the encouraging isn't just encouraging the one who is crying in the corner. she's actually speaking the same truth to herself (sometimes i'm the one crying in the corner, sometimes i'm the encourager - depends on the day).

i could give a thousand reasons for why we need friends, but this month i'm discovering that i need friends because they are a reflection of myself and the things i need to hear and listen to. i am so blessed to do life with these beautiful friends who laugh, dance, shout, run, walk, cry, and learn with me. i want to listen to their advice, and to my own.

i want to believe in them, and in doing so, believe in myself.