a post of scattered thoughts

Life is not like linear algebra: that’s a known fact, but as I was talking to a friend this morning, I was realizing how very true that is – especially in this season of life where I came back from an intense experience abroad and am preparing for my final year of college and then …?? Where am I going? What am I supposed to DO with these new perspectives I’m trying to process? Where is it taking me? I want to figure it out: now. Unfortunately, I’m learning that you can’t figure it out all at once.

Last semester I walked into my professor’s office on a Friday afternoon and proceeded to talk to him for an hour about life after graduation and grad school. He is one of the reasons I miss Gordon so much right now – I miss those conversations with professors who not only teach me, but also listen to me and care about me as a student and person. They provide advice that continues to be helpful, even hours, days, and months after the conversation ends. After giving some practical advice about grad school, he said: “Alyssa, God has plans for your life. Vocation is real” and he told me how as he looks back on his life, he sees how God has led him to where he is today, even though it didn’t necessarily make sense as he was taking those steps.

I walked away from that conversation encouraged and hopeful. Yet I think that the implications of what he said are much bigger. Life isn’t necessarily a straight path and sometimes I really wish it were. I wish that my semester would lead me immediately to point B and from there I would continue on to point C and then D. But it isn’t like that. While I was in Costa Rica a friend of mine emailed me and encouraged me to be patient with myself and said that you don’t know how these experiences are going to influence you in the months and years to come. That was a freeing statement for me – freedom for me to let God do the work in my life, for him to use the experiences and conversations to change and shape the way I think and see the world. Yet for me, this requires a lot of patience and a lot of waiting and confusion because that process often doesn’t make sense. But I hope to be a person where at the end of my life, I can look back and see how God used and placed people, relationships, conversations, and experiences to lead me to wherever he wants me to be and however I think and react to situations around me.

“God has plans for your life.” I am honestly not sure how to respond to this. A few months ago that statement excited me, but now it makes me a little fearful and I am trying to understand what my commitment is to a God who will lead me in and through the uncertainties and confusions of life. He might lead me to the right and left, up and down, east and west, and while I know that these plans are good, I feel the tug in another direction because of my own fear and a desire to follow an easy path of doing what I believe makes sense as is "part of the equation" (you know – y=mx +b).

So where is my semester and my experiences taking me and changing me? I don’t know yet. I know it’s caused me to question a lot of things and to really seek understanding of who Jesus is and what his message means to me and to people around the world. It’s given me new family and friends and a host of conversation topics. But I also need to wait. I need to listen and learn and explore and jump into life and wait expectantly for God to use and teach me things …and to let him use Nicaragua and Cuba and Costa Rica as part of the picture and lessons that are continuing to unfold. There is still so much to be learned from my time in Latin America and the years before it and weeks so far after it, and I can’t do it all at once. It will probably be a lot of zig-zaggy lessons leading me here and then there…but I need to be patient, willing, and ready for wherever they take me.

new england: me hace falta

Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,

Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,

Join with all nature in manifold witness

To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love

[summer]

[winter]

[springtime]

[harvest]

tribute to the tanz

[beach beaut]

i'm not much of a cat person - partly because of allergies, but they're also not particularly nice to me (if you would like to hear a funny story about me cat-sitting, you should ask...this might explain my problems with cats). anyways, enough about cats: i love dogs -- the ones that are sweet and fun and sort of dumb, but they're so cute they make up for it. that description describes our dog tanya pretty darn well and i know she was the perfect addition to our family 11 years ago. so to pay tribute to my dearest tanya vanbaker, here are 10 things that you may or may not know about her:

1. tanya's original name was taffy. i think we called her taffy for about a week before we decided we didn't like it and decided to re-name her. thankfully this time her name stuck

2. tanya is an expert gopher hunter. currently, the gopher count in our yard is at 9 gophers. my mom takes tanya outside to wherever the gopher hole is and tanya sniffs out where to set the trap and...9 counts later, we have a successful gopher hunter team! she also loves gardening and gets this cute smile on her face with perked ears and dirt on her nose & paws.

3. tanya loves chasing birds - and this has been a problem. one afternoon i decided to go rollerblading with her and we went by a neighbor's house who had a pet chicken-like bird in their front yard. since i was on wheels (never doing that again!) i couldn't hold on to the leash and tanya took off and got the bird literally in her mouth. somehow i got the bird OUT of her mouth and it ran off. it was a very embarrassing conversation to have with the neighbor later that afternoon

"Hi, my name's Alyssa and I was rollerblading down the street and my dog got your bird in her mouth...I'mreallyreallyreallyreallysorryisthereanythingicando??!"

Thankfully the neighbor happened to be a bird doctor and was able to help the bird recover

5. she likes apple cores and orange slices and sniffs them out from wherever she is in the couch to find you in the kitchen eating your afternoon snack

4. tanya LOVES the beach. maybe going along with the bird theme, she loves chasing the birds along the sea shore (yep, got one of those in her mouth too which was taken to animal rescue!). she loves the waves, and the sand, and then laying in the sun

[annual christmas present]

6. puppy training was a complete disaster: we spent the majority of the time trying to find her mingling with the other puppies and she didn't listen to any of our commands (rather embarrassing when you are the only family whose dog doesn't "come" when called but is instead sniffing the trash cans). somehow she "passed" the class...

7. we have never had a successful tomato crop because she always finds some creative way of attacking the garden (believe me, my mom has tried every trick possible to keep her out, but to no avail)

8. she once ate a plate full of brownies and had to get her stomach pumped and they found all kinds of weird things in their like a bouncy ball and a peach pit

9. she is quite sneaky and seems very well-behaved outside without her leash and then BOOM, she is off, running down the street. one time we had her leash tied to a big bounce ball which we thought would keep her in, but instead she took off with it trailing behind her and ran into the neighbor's house and the ball knocked down their new lamp.

10. she sleeps about 22 hours of the day

love ya tanz!

back in the US of A [warning: this is a long post]

[visiting cuba is not complete without a stop at the cigar shop!]

[Más unidos y combativos: defendiendo el socialismo]

[a view]

[allison, rach, and i on the beach]

[streets of cuba]

[esta es la revolución socialista: de los humildes, para los humildes, y por los humildes]

[allison, rachel, annie, and i enjoying [virgin of course] piña coladas at varadero beach, finishing up our time in cuba]

I am back in the United States of America – honestly hard to believe. I had a really great trip to Cuba and would love to talk to you about it and share pictures and stories - it was such a unique experience. I learned a lot about the socialist government structure, the attitude of solidarity that I have never seen nor experienced before, and heard about Cuba from a perspective so different from what I have heard as a US citizen. We went to different “charlas” as we call them, or lectures/speakers, who ranged from economists, educators, medical professionals, pastors, etc. This was the first year that LASP was able to take all 37 students to Cuba because of some of the changes that President Obama has made with Cuba policy. Usually LASP is able to take a group of students (since it falls under both an educational and religious trip), but not all students together and it takes a LOT of phone calls. This year the process was much smoother and I am eager to stay updated on the changes taking place in Cuba with their new congress, as well as changes between US-Cuba policies. There is so much I could write about Cuba, but I think I’ll just talk about one thing: solidarity. Solidarity, in my own definition, is sacrificing your own personal desires and successes for the good of others or your society. I have never seen this kind of solidarity lived out except in the case of Cuba – especially within the health system I was amazed by the sacrifice of many Cuban doctors for both people within their country as well as those in lesser-developed countries. We met with a doctor who receives a very low wage (actually lower than a taxi driver might make because of the dual monetary system which allows people in tourism to possibly make more money because tourists pay for services in a different currency), but he told us that he wouldn’t change his career because he believes in serving the Cuban people. Wow. I was also really blown away by the hospitality we received by a group of senior citizens at their exercise class: we sat in chairs and on the floor with a group of at least 40 senior citizens who were doing some breathing/stretching exercises and we got to join in! A few people introduced themselves and one of them was around 90 years old and told us how he was so happy that we were here and that he wants us to come home to the United States with warm greetings from Cuba. This also blew me away – my country and Cuba have been enemies for years and yet this man put this aside and welcomed our group with so much love and smiles that I had misty eyes when he shuffled his feet back across the linoleum floor to his seat.

We finished our trip at a popular Cuban tourist spot called Varadero Beach and then headed back to Costa Rica for less than 24 hours before heading on a plane to Miami! Our group spent just a little over a day in Miami doing “re-entry” and then said our goodbyes. Saying goodbyes was really sad: while I hope to see my close LASP friends again soon, I will never be with the same group of 37 students ever again. Even though it has only been 4 months, we have shared a lot together and have been shaped and challenged by this unique experience. We’ve shared so many awkward, funny, embarrassing situations, as well as countless conversations – some funny about our American culture, but many more about the things we are learning and struggling to understand. They have come to know some of the things that make me “me”, like getting food all over my face when I eat (it is a curse that will follow me wherever I go), and I have adapted some of their expressions and accents. I will really miss this community, especially as I continue to process this experience and try to apply what I have learned to my life at home.

Authentic and unique are the words I want to use to describe my semester in Latin America. I think it has probably been the most challenging, but in many ways, the most rewarding semester I have had as a college student. What is exciting is that I feel like I am starting to sense the ways that this semester has influenced me – in terms of reflection, thinking about what I have learned, the conversations I have had, etc. It is impossible to process all you have learned right after it happens and I think the real processing is starting now and will continue for the rest of my life!

LASP has given me a real Latin American experience: I have lived with three different host families. I have eaten, slept, gone to church, Bible study, mass, washed laundry, helped cook, clean, enjoy family activities like soccer games and Tupperware parties, gone on family weekend trips, shared pepto bismol, celebrated birthdays and new babies, gone on walks to thepulpería, and tried and failed at dancing (my hips do not move like they are supposed to). I listened to my family laugh and cry – and they’ve seen me laugh and cry too. I have heard from political officials, spoken with Latin Americans in different regions, enjoyed beautiful beaches, mountains, and cities, and also seen a lot of problems and global issues that have overwhelmed me. I have learned Spanish, and realized that being a language learner is humbling. I have seen many cultural differences and similarities, tried new foods that I either loved or struggled to swallow. I have struggled in Latin America. I have been embarrassed and confused, felt sad, discouraged, misunderstood, homesick, and lonely. Yet I have also felt loved, cared for, excited, joyful, and blessed. How does that all fit together? I have no idea…

This semester has been a huge blessing to me, and I am so thankful for YOU – my family, friends, and loved ones who have prayed for me, sent me emails and Facebook messages, and encouraged me along the way. I am completely overwhelmed with gratitude and can’t thank you enough for your support and love across the miles – it has made a huge difference to my experience here. I hope to share recipes and stories with you (maybe we can have a cup of coffee & que que seco in the mid-afternoon like a Costa Rican cafecito?) and to hear your stories and adventures over the past four months. Just as I have learned so much through conversation and living life with Latin American families these past four months, I am looking forward to a continuation of this in the USA with family and friends who have loved and cared for me all of my life.

My name has been “Alisa” for the past 4 months (and sometimes “Alice” and I just don’t try hard enough to correct it) and I think part of me will miss this. I’ll also miss speaking a lot of Spanish and waking up to cows mooing and the frying pan frying something delicious with lots of oil. I’ll miss rice at least two times a day and cheap mangos and yucca. I’ll miss the bus rides and talking to my host sisters and parents. I’ll miss the hug & kiss greetings and hearing “Dios bendiga y acompaña” when I leave. I’ll miss all of the dogs in the neighborhoods, the panaderias and the endless bread that I always eat. The list is long of the special things I will miss from Latin America and the people who loved and cared for me there.

But I’m also looking forward to home: to watching Libby in her play, to dance parties with Kels, to having long chats with my dad over the newspaper, and to coffee mornings with my mom in our pajamas. I am incredibly excited to see my across-the-world cousins in June whom I haven’t seen for almost 2 years and to work with some of my favorite senior citizens at the retirement center for the summer. And I’m looking forward to reuniting with dear friends in the summer and in August when I get back to Gordon (please do NOT talk to me about the fact that I am a senior now - it is truly freaking me out!!).

Psalm 98:1 “Sing to the Lord a new song, for he has done marvelous things…”

understanding [or a lack thereof]

When I decided to study abroad, understanding was something that I wanted. I wanted a greater understanding of the world, God, faith, people, culture. Yet as I study here in Latin America, I think I approach confusion more than understanding, doubt more than certainty.

I am a person who usually works pretty hard to grasp a concept – particularly in school. I am usually not afraid or embarrassed to talk to my teachers or professors if I am confused or unclear on a particular topic and I love the feeling of saying, “I GOT it!” after finishing a math problem or memorizing a theory for a test.

I don’t get it about 99.9% of the time here in Latin America. I am usually confused about what is going on in my house and who is going where and when. I just recently learned the difference between the words “ahora” and “ahorrita” and I wish I had known that from day one because it would have spared me a little bit of waiting time. Ahora means NOW; ahorrita means “in a little while” – which could mean really anywhere from 10 minutes to three hours. I thought ahorrita meant “right away” …oops!

I don’t fit into the Latin American culture in a lot of ways: I speak differently and express emotion differently. I am 21 and have never dated anyone, I like peanut butter on my bananas, my extended family on my mom’s side of the family is less than 20, and I think cigarette smoke gives me allergy problems (you would think this is funny, but when you are in a restaurant and people are smoking at the table nearby, it is hard to laugh when all you want is a Kleenex). I have brown hair and blue eyes and I like to run in the neighborhood. I am weird, I am tall, I don’t fit in.

I wrote in my journal while in Nicaragua how misunderstood I felt – my community did not understand who I was or why I was there (is this girl a missionary? A student? Why is she here?) I couldn’t explain my major very well or my faith and my Spanish abilities certainly did not help me in this endeavor. Yet I see now that I also misunderstood my Nicaraguan community. I had a conversation with a 16 year-old who told me how she wanted to become a lawyer to help women’s rights, especially with the “machismo” culture that exists within her community. She told me that she had a boyfriend and I assumed that, since she wanted to be a lawyer for women’s rights, her boyfriend must be respectful and good to her and not fit into this “machismo” prototype. But that wasn’t the case – he didn’t treat her very well. I asked her why she didn’t leave him, knowing that this would be a difficult and painful process, but worth doing. She tried to explain it to me: “it’s not that simple; you don’t understand.” And that’s the truth – it’s not that simple, and I don’t understand.

I think that these lessons are teaching me more than what I learn when I do “get it” or get an A on a test. I have to believe that God is huge because it is in this context of confusion that I see more and more my great weakness. I am incapable of so much here as a foreigner, not just because of the language barrier, but also cultural barriers and the ways of life here that aren’t familiar to me. I often long for home, for knowing what is going on, for understanding what is meant when we set a time (if we are leaving at 6:00 or actually 9:30am), what it means to go somewhere for “un rato” (which I think means for a couple hours…but sometimes can include all afternoon, cafecito, dinner, and dessert).

I like precision and details, fulfilling my curiosity and being “in the know.” I have had to give that up in Latin America. I don’t make plans rigidly, I don’t expect things to happen as quickly as I would like them to, and I know that I have to be flexible and “go with the flow.” I say “no sé,” “no entiendo,” “estoy confundida” a lot, but that’s reflective of bigger concepts too – not just the Spanish words but the bigger questions in life. I am grateful that God is bigger, stronger, mightier, and more loving than my small “yo sé”. I don’t understand a lot, but I think I’m in good company. We take small steps every day to try to “get it”. I understand some things a little more now…I know the difference between “ahora” and “ahorrita,” but the list is a thousand miles long of my questions and uncertainties.

But that’s okay. At least I’m certain at this point that that uncertainty, or lack of understanding is perfectly okay. And even though it at times makes me feel useless and rather incapable, it leads me to a greater appreciation of a God who can use me through his power (and his power alone!) – that is an incredible miracle.

“For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened” –Matthew 7:8

i'm back (for a short while!)

[me and most of the 1st grade class!]

I am back from my internship and will only be here in Costa Rica for a few days before I head off to Cuba! I had a really great three weeks in San Jose de la Montaña. I worked at an elementary school in the mountains of the Hereidia province (not too far away from my house in San José). My host mom is the cook at the elementary school and I helped her in the kitchen with various tasks – many of them were chopping, stirring, assembling food and lots and lots of dishes! I also did some random things around the school like helping the teachers if they needed something, but for the most part it was very low-key.

I was a little nervous before coming to my internship about living with another host family, but I think since this was the third time I was the gringa coming into a stranger’s home with my stuffed suitcase and a smile, it was pretty easy and I immediately felt at home which was a big blessing. I quickly became a huge fan of the tele-novela “Pasión de Gavilanes” which is a Spanish soap opera playing every night and became accustomed to going to bed before 10:00 and waking up at 6:00 . My house was about a quarter mile walk from the school and I shared a room with my 8-year old sister Barbara. Also living with me were my host parents and four sisters (ages 23, 20, 14, and 8). My 20-year old sister was 8.5 months pregnant when I arrived and that was a unique experience for me since we were so close in age but I felt like our lives were so completely different. I had a lot of fun helping her get her and the baby’s room ready, sorting through baby clothes, buying a dresser for her room, etc. And…I got to meet her son: Oscar Davíd who was born on April 8th (por dicha that I got to meet him since I left only 4 days later!) I was so grateful for the unique experience to be in the family during such a momentous event! He is adorable – with a head full of black hair and 10 precious tiny toes & fingers.
[oscar david and i]

The neighborhood was all family – aunts/uncles/cousins/grandkids ...I just decided to stop trying to figure out whose kids were whose and just consider them all family. It was fun to be in this small community and every morning the grandfather would pick us up to go the school, the kids and I would hop in the back of his pick-up truck (something I love about Latin America) and the dog, Negro, would run ahead of us to the school where we would get dropped off (Negro is the most precious dog and is a faithful companion to my host mom and follows her everywhere we go!).
[cousin gabriel and i]

I came home on my birthday and had a really special day with my host family welcoming back with flowers, a lovely dinner, and cake & ice cream! I was honestly really overwhelmed by the love I felt from my community in San Jose de la Montaña when I left and coming “home” to San Jose. I received little gifts, cake & ice cream from another LASP student’s family (he worked at a milk processing farm close by and I visited once afternoon a week ago – they remembered my birthday and bought a cake for me before I left!).

The Latin American people I have had the privilege of living with and getting to know have blessed my life in so many ways. They have embraced and loved me despite cultural and language barriers. They have invited me, a “gringa,” into their home and allowed me to live life with them, and in doing so I have learned so much – and I think that learning has taken place in my heart and mind on many levels.

i am excited for cuba but also overwhelmed by all the good byes and preparations i need to do before sunday. this is an incredible opportunity to go to a country most americans cannot visit so i really want to take advantage of it.

looking forward to seeing everyone soon!!!

off to internships!

[beautiful corn field in zarcero!]

just a quick post that i am off to a three week internship in the mountains of san josé. i will be working at a small school as a cook :) hope to come home with plenty of recipes!! i won't have much internet access while i am away, but look forward to posting pictures and stories of my adventures when i return.

hasta pronto!