understanding [or a lack thereof]

When I decided to study abroad, understanding was something that I wanted. I wanted a greater understanding of the world, God, faith, people, culture. Yet as I study here in Latin America, I think I approach confusion more than understanding, doubt more than certainty.

I am a person who usually works pretty hard to grasp a concept – particularly in school. I am usually not afraid or embarrassed to talk to my teachers or professors if I am confused or unclear on a particular topic and I love the feeling of saying, “I GOT it!” after finishing a math problem or memorizing a theory for a test.

I don’t get it about 99.9% of the time here in Latin America. I am usually confused about what is going on in my house and who is going where and when. I just recently learned the difference between the words “ahora” and “ahorrita” and I wish I had known that from day one because it would have spared me a little bit of waiting time. Ahora means NOW; ahorrita means “in a little while” – which could mean really anywhere from 10 minutes to three hours. I thought ahorrita meant “right away” …oops!

I don’t fit into the Latin American culture in a lot of ways: I speak differently and express emotion differently. I am 21 and have never dated anyone, I like peanut butter on my bananas, my extended family on my mom’s side of the family is less than 20, and I think cigarette smoke gives me allergy problems (you would think this is funny, but when you are in a restaurant and people are smoking at the table nearby, it is hard to laugh when all you want is a Kleenex). I have brown hair and blue eyes and I like to run in the neighborhood. I am weird, I am tall, I don’t fit in.

I wrote in my journal while in Nicaragua how misunderstood I felt – my community did not understand who I was or why I was there (is this girl a missionary? A student? Why is she here?) I couldn’t explain my major very well or my faith and my Spanish abilities certainly did not help me in this endeavor. Yet I see now that I also misunderstood my Nicaraguan community. I had a conversation with a 16 year-old who told me how she wanted to become a lawyer to help women’s rights, especially with the “machismo” culture that exists within her community. She told me that she had a boyfriend and I assumed that, since she wanted to be a lawyer for women’s rights, her boyfriend must be respectful and good to her and not fit into this “machismo” prototype. But that wasn’t the case – he didn’t treat her very well. I asked her why she didn’t leave him, knowing that this would be a difficult and painful process, but worth doing. She tried to explain it to me: “it’s not that simple; you don’t understand.” And that’s the truth – it’s not that simple, and I don’t understand.

I think that these lessons are teaching me more than what I learn when I do “get it” or get an A on a test. I have to believe that God is huge because it is in this context of confusion that I see more and more my great weakness. I am incapable of so much here as a foreigner, not just because of the language barrier, but also cultural barriers and the ways of life here that aren’t familiar to me. I often long for home, for knowing what is going on, for understanding what is meant when we set a time (if we are leaving at 6:00 or actually 9:30am), what it means to go somewhere for “un rato” (which I think means for a couple hours…but sometimes can include all afternoon, cafecito, dinner, and dessert).

I like precision and details, fulfilling my curiosity and being “in the know.” I have had to give that up in Latin America. I don’t make plans rigidly, I don’t expect things to happen as quickly as I would like them to, and I know that I have to be flexible and “go with the flow.” I say “no sé,” “no entiendo,” “estoy confundida” a lot, but that’s reflective of bigger concepts too – not just the Spanish words but the bigger questions in life. I am grateful that God is bigger, stronger, mightier, and more loving than my small “yo sé”. I don’t understand a lot, but I think I’m in good company. We take small steps every day to try to “get it”. I understand some things a little more now…I know the difference between “ahora” and “ahorrita,” but the list is a thousand miles long of my questions and uncertainties.

But that’s okay. At least I’m certain at this point that that uncertainty, or lack of understanding is perfectly okay. And even though it at times makes me feel useless and rather incapable, it leads me to a greater appreciation of a God who can use me through his power (and his power alone!) – that is an incredible miracle.

“For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened” –Matthew 7:8