from the east coast to the south

we are on the road!!!

places we've been to so far:

(1) cape cod: hyannis and chatham

(2) richmond, virginia

(3) asheville, north carolina

 [en route to chatham, ma]

virginia!

we visited hollywood cemetery with my aunt. here is jefferson davis: 

 it was a beautiful cemetery..

richmond, virginia

 this is what the front of the car looks like. thank you mcdonalds

 asheville, north carolina!

delicious dinner complete with biscuits and honey AND a selection of southern specialties: grits, beans, fried okra, and swiss chard - delicious! mom got bbq pork egg rolls and tomato soup :)

 the vanderbilt's mansion in asheville: the biltmore (quite enormous)

 the gardens

and that's it for now! we're in tennessee and off to arkansas!

a good-bye letter to new england

dear new england,

i'm leaving in one week. the thing that's scariest is that i don't know when i'll be back. with plane tickets ranging around $400 round trip (and that's a good price), and my current un-employed status, it's not looking likely to be soon.

as i begin my trek across the country to the west coast, i want to thank you for so many things. but i can't do that in a blog or even in a letter or poem or something else whimsical and wordy. but i'll do my best as i sit in starbucks, procrastinating with my road trip planning as i sip my blonde roast coffee. by thanking you, i want to remember what i love about you. maybe one of the biggest blessings of college for me was learning to love a place and the people who inhabit it. that place was you, and the people you hold are dear to me - so dear that it hurts to say goodbye. but for now, i'm not going to think about goodbyes, but rather memories and places. i think i can fit those in my tightly-packed honda civic alongside winter clothes and pillows shoved in a cramped back seat. i'll find a way to fit them into my life in california too.

thank you, new england, for whoopie pies -- not the cheap ones at the gas station, but the freshly-baked, freshly-whipped, perfectly sandwiched together, home-made whoopie pies. thank you for sam adams summer ale and friends to drink it with. THANK YOU FOR DUNKIN DONUTS, for teaching me to love iced coffee and to never fret that there will always be a Dunks within walking distance. thank you for apple-cider donuts and fried dough, for lobster, haddock, and clam chowder.

[maine lobster]

thank you for showing me beauty in the places where i run: out in the woods in the middle of fall, through beverly farms en route to the beach in spring and summer, and along my favorite 4-mile loop when the winter weather is above 30 degrees. thank you for the cold mornings in january as the sun rises and there's a hazy fog covering the grass, for the first sound of crickets at night (spring is here!!!), for lightning and thunder, for the phone call at 6:37 am that classes are cancelled because it's snowing.

[house on my favorite 4-mile loop run]

thank you for my rainboots. thank you for the pink checkered and green flower boots that lasted me for 4 years, for all the puddles they've splashed in, for carrying my reluctant feet to the gym when i was determined to exercise, no matter how hard it poured. thank you for the chance to experience summer rain - the huge drops that come out of nowhere and leave before you've had a chance to find an umbrella.

[boston in the rain with abby]

thank you for inviting me to be a part of an anglican church: for the liturgy and bodies turned towards the priest as he reads from the Gospels, for the recitation of prayers. thank you for communion, for teaching me that communion is about receiving a gift, getting on my knees with two hands open, chewing on a wafer after dipping it into wine. thank you for showing me that communion isn't something to fear, but to be enjoyed. sometimes that gift is the only reason i get out of bed and drive down 128 on a sunday morning to church: i want that wafer and wine.

thank you for teaching me that growing up is hard and good all at once: that dealing with car insurance  and credit card balances and plane tickets sucks, but that i can do things i never thought i could. thank you for teaching me about friendship and family, for showing me beauty and grace through people and lectures, through conversations and five-hour study sessions, through coffee which i finally came to love. thank you for being a place to explore with new and old friends -- for campfires by lake winnipesaukee in new hampshire, friday nights in boston carefully scaling the brick sidewalks in high-heels, pre-dinner outings to get ice cream down the road, and slumber parties -- the most fun (with perhaps the least sleep) way to spend a night with good friends and roommates, falling asleep in a cramped bed (or floor -- whichever way works!) after pillow talk and laughing at text messages from boys.

thank you for calling me "sweet-haht" and for making me smile with your accent. thank you for proving the assumption wrong that new englanders are cold-hearted, rather you're "wahm-hahted" and you've become my family.

thank you for being home. and home you'll always be.

love,

alyssa

to the person wearing that shirt

preface: this is a weird post. but bear with me, friends, as i try to process some of my thoughts.

i went to a christian music festival a week ago and was particularly troubled by a shirt i saw a kid wearing. it had three words on it, so you wouldn't think much of it. but i think the implications of its message are profound -- and harmful, which is why i've been thinking about it for the past week.

"hate my flesh"

that's what the t-shirt said.

for starters, i think it's always a good idea to avoid using the word "hate," but i won't lie, i have used it many times when probably another word would have been better.

i understand the message the shirt was trying to communicate: the soul is more important than the flesh, don't let worldy things block the importance of keeping true to spiritual matters. and i do believe in the importance of life after death, i do believe that what happens on earth is part of a much bigger and greater reality. i believe in God's eternal kingdom and hope (thank you NT Wright).

but, still. i'm sad and angry about that shirt. and here's why.

i believe in a God who created flesh - and who delights in it. who loves that i have blue eyes, and you have brown, that i have small hands and you have long fingers, that i can run six miles and feel the exhiliration of letting my muscles move and carry me across the cement. i believe in a God who loves looking at faces with freckles and dimples; who lights up when a baby takes their first steps, and who is ever-present in the nursing home when it takes an elderly woman 10 minutes to get out of bed (but we celebrate those ten minutes, don't we? because she still has muscles that move and allow her to live with us -- and that is a blessing). i believe in a God who loves through touch -- i feel that love as my dad kisses my cheek when he walks in the door or when the little girl i babysit lets me cuddle with her for 5 seconds (i cherish those 5 seconds!). i hope in a God who is in the kitchen as we prepare food to eat, who laughs as spaghetti sauce drips down our mouth, who loves the sound of laughter and cares for our physical needs -- whether it's a stubbed toe or a scary disease.

and i think that if we "hate the flesh" we misunderstand God. i don't want to pretend to understand God, because frankly i'm quite confused about who he is, but i feel pretty confident of this: he created a body for me to dwell in -- and part of living is learning how to live here (in this 22 year old body), live  now, and live purposefully and hopefully. and i don't think i can do that if i hate the flesh; i don't think i can pursue justice and mercy if the flesh doesn't matter, if it's something to be hated.

i read a beautiful piece by lauren dubinsky a few weeks ago about learning to love her body. i confess that i feel this constant nagging in the back of my mind about what i look like and who i am trying to impress and "am i pretty enough? will more make-up help? do i need to die my hair??" stupid, i know. but it's a very true reality. read her words. they challenged me to see the physical as a gift, and to treat it as such. i needed that reminder -- and i think that person in the shirt could use that reminder too.

i think hating the flesh can lead to a misconstrued perception of self -- which can lead to hatred. and hating ourselves is just about the worst place to start. on the other hand, idolizing our flesh can also lead to a misconstrued percetion of self -- which is also quite harmful.

so, hate? is that where we start? idolatry? is that better? 

i want to be a person who delights in God's gifts -- and see that these gifts include feet that can walk on the beach and noses that can smell fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies; ears that can hear good music and eyes that can see sunsets and sunrises.

"taste and see that the Lord is good. blessed is the one who takes refuge in him" (psalm 34:8)
 i don't think i can do that if i'm hating the flesh.

to tanya girl

why would you write a blog post about a dog? well, i already did write one a year ago. but as i sit here asking myself that question (with tears in my eyes), i guess anyone who's ever had a dog (or mayyybe a cat, but that's a stretch), will know why. it's because they're special and have their own spot in your family tree; it's because they have driven you crazy and made you laugh and scream. it's because under that fur is a personality that you've come to love and cherish. 

that's who tanya has been for me and my family. and that's why losing her is hard because it reminds me of the past twelve years of growing up and all the laughter and joy we've shared with that fur covered marshmallow.

[let's go to the beach, beach, let's go get a wave]

i have been infuriated with that dog. she's the one that has broken neighbors' lamps and jumped on house guests and eaten pieces of chocolate cake and run down the street when you're already 10 minutes late for a doctor's appointment. she's the one that disallowed me from bunny or hamster sitting because she would pant outside my door, jumping to get into my room and chase the rabbit - and potentially kill it. she's the one who chased down birds on the beach and got one in her mouth who had to be rescued and brought to an animal shelter. she's the one who got a pet chicken in her mouth while i was roller blading and i had to chase her, screaming at the top of my lungs to DROP THE BIRD so she wouldn't kill it (thankfully she didn't. but i never went roller blading with her again). and perhaps the most difficult for my mom was her love for chasing skunks -- usually at about 10 pm much to the parents' dismay.

but she's also the dog that makes you laugh. she loves to garden with my mom and sticks her grey nose into the dirt and gets the look of excitement when she finds a lizard. she pounces on the gophers we caught during the summer and sleeps 23 hours of the day. she's the christmas morning entertainment and gets a bone in her stocking and happily chews it while we open presents. she's the one who would secretly eat a muffin and then whine at the door waiting for you to see that she did something very bad as a sort of sign of repentance. she's the dog that waits patiently while you cut your apple since she knows she'll get the core and she can smell you pealing an orange from the other side of the house and will politely beg for a slice. she licks our peanut butter jars clean and enjoys my mom's plain yogurt containers; she chews on our corn cobs and enjoys watermelon rinds too. she has no sense of modesty and lays flat on her back, only to be awakened when she starts to sneeze.

[christmas morning = bone chewing time]

tanya carries so many memories for me. i remember the way she made precious isaac giggle when she licked his face. i remember when we bought her as a puppy and i taught her how to sit. i also remember when we put her in her pen and she kept whining and i cried because i hated hearing that sound. i remember when we thought we would name her taffy, but decided after three days that we needed a different name. i remember taking her to lake san antonio with our church friends and how she would swim with us in the water. i remember when she threw up all over my shoes on christmas when we were driving to grandpa and grandma's and ever since how the three of us would argue about who would have to sit in the back (and we would all panic when she would get restless and start to make noises: MOM SHE'S GONNA BARF! WHATDOIDO?!?). i remember how much she loves my grandpa and grandma's backyard and how she eats too many avocados and always makes herself sick. i remember days at the beach and how much tanya loves the water and getting sandy and laying out in the sun.

and puppy training. OH PUPPY TRAINING. those are priceless memories. our family could have been featured on a sit-com with tanya who completely failed every part of that evening class. we didn't know where she was half the time because she would just wander off and she never took much interest in learning basic commands besides "sit".

her favorite position

[tanz, melis, and isaac]

she's a funny one, that tanya girl. we've nicknamed her all sorts of things from "tanz" to "d-dog" to "beast of the wildies" (that one definitely was created by my father).

each person in my family has a different relationship with that dog: libs and i have always been the more practical/responsible pet owners: tanya may not have any food from the table, nor may she get onto our beds.
kelsey is the fun one: of course tanya can eat food from the table, cuddle with me on the bed or couch (despite my attempts to tell her otherwise)
tanya and my mom are like two peas in a pod. she follows my mom around like a shadow -- gardening, in the bathroom while she curls her hair, in her bedroom for a mid-day slumber, in the kitchen while mom is making dinner (which drives mom CRAZY)-- everywhere and anywhere, tanz is by her side. gardening is her favorite outing, but she is perfectly content anywhere else. they're the perfect team for gopher hunting and enjoy liesurely strolls every night after dinner (short walks, that is -- tanya has never been able to make it very far. just far enough to sniff around).
and dad. my dad is the first one up in the morning and the first one in bed too, so they have a special little routine where he gets her breakfast in the morning and takes her out at night. he doesn't like to give her a treat by hand because he freaks out that tanya will accidentally bite his hand. thus ensues arguments around 10:30 pm between all of us about how gentle tanya is and "dad you NEED to stop freaking out that she's going to bite your hand!"

we got tanya when i was 10, kels was 8 and libs was only 5. now i'm 22 and a lot has changed within those 12 years. i went through junior high and high school and college and braces and cross country meets and youth group and family vacations and prom and summer camp and long nights of homework. over the course of 10 years we had "tanya schedules" rotating poop pick up and dog walking and dog washing between the three of us (full disclosure: mom picked up our slack all the time so we can't take too much credit). we would each (usually sort of reluctantly) wash her out in the backyard with oatmeal shampoo and she would shake with soapy water and run around the yard before she was done (sometimes in the dirt) and we would run around yelling at her to come back (but like i said before: puppy training was a failure. so asking her to "come" when you're holding a hose and an angry scowl was definitely not a successful endeavor).

saying good bye to her is sad because it reminds me of so many things she was a part of - and how thankful i am that she was always there each time i walked through my front door no matter how many times i left. she's been an important part of our family - always on the floor while we watch movies on a saturday night, always excited to see us when we pick her up after we're on vacation, always panting when it's hot outside, and always wanting to be pet whenever we're sitting in the living room. we've all pulled her along the street when she doesn't want to walk and we've all had our fair share of searching for her down the neighborhood and receiving phone calls from random neighbors "yes, hello, i think we have your dog. is her name tanya? we live right down the street and she's in our yard"

yep, we say...that is definitely our dog. and you know what? we love her for it.

i'm gonna miss that crazy, funny, lazy, beautiful, sweet, sweet dog. i'm gonna miss her a lot.

just some sister wedding dreaming

this weekend was filled with everything wedding. and through it all i felt a mix of nostalgia and excitement as i think about my sister's weddings - some day in the future. i thought about what it will be like to put on a foofy white dress, how i'll cry as i watch my dad walk libby and kelsey down the ailse, what i'll write in my toast to my sisters, how beautiful my mom will look as she helps us get ready, which songs i will make sure we dance to, what i'll say to my dad before he walks me down the aisle, what i'll say to my sisters before they say "i do". i can't wait to see kels's eyes sparkle and libby's smile shine against her freckles as they see whoever it is at the end of the aisle. i am eager to meet whoever it is that will be the source of months of stories and dating adventures and long phone calls and midnight heart-to-hearts. i am excited to meet a new addition to our family - someone who will adore my sisters for the unique and special persons that they are.

i miss these girls like crazy this summer. i miss the way they laugh and make me laugh. i miss the way they smile and annoy each other and bother my parents. i miss our dance parties when we're supposed to be washing dishes and our drives to get frozen yogurt after dinner. i miss going to bed before them and listening to them getting ready in the bathroom and [rudely] awakening me while i drift off to sleep. i miss the way kelsey's room is always a mess and libby's alarm has to go off 5 times before she makes her entrance into the kitchen in the morning.

i'm so grateful God gave me two beautiful sisters. and i hope and dream that one day i'll be a part of their special wedding day.

but until then, we've got lots of living and laughing and learning to do together -- and that is something to be grateful for. 

4th of july: new england style

i wanted a new england summer when i decided to stay out in massachusetts after graduation. and so far, summer has proven to be just that -- filled with new england sunshine, thunderstorms, lots and lots of green, and a very patriotic 4th of july celebration.

the day began at my friend bekah's house where we (per pintrest inspiration) decorated pretzels and strawberries

we brought them to her family's house for their annual 4th of july BBQ. it was held outside in their backyard and it was filled with red, white, and blue decorations, hamburgers and salads, patriotic T-shirts and plenty of festive spirit. and there was even a brief thunderstorm in the middle too!

after a delicious lunch we headed to the wakefield town parade

it was the perfect town parade -- lots of music, cars and bands, colonial attire, and politicians shaking hands along their walk. i loved it.

new england houses are decked out for the fourth with decorations and it was so fun to be a part of the celebration this year. nature also contributed to the fireworks show with crazy lightning that was fun to watch in the evening. 

all in all, it was a very happy 4th of july. hope yours was great too!

choosing thankfulness

Ann Voskamp wrote a book awhile back about being thankful for the big and small gifts. her work has sparked a lot of talk, a lot of blogs and articles and iphone apps (you can take pictures of things you're thankful for and record them on your phone! crazy!) i guess it's silly of me to be mentioning her because i actually haven't read her book yet, but the premise is inspiration enough, and something i need to be more a-tune to at this stage in my life.

i've come to realize that being thankful is a choice. sometimes it can come naturally, especially in november when we're thinking about food and family and what we're going to say around the Thanksgiving table. it's easier to be thankful when we're pondering what we have in light of what many do not have and it's our first response often times when we're happy and content.

but there's this trap that hits me in the face frequently -- it's called comparison. it's sort of like a plague in my mind because it tells me i'm not good enough, that other people have it better, that i don't measure up, and that ...well, my life sucks and i don't have it together and everything is wrong. "comparison is the thief of joy" so they say and i believe that is 100% truth.

as a recently college-graduate, comparison is a huge temptation. when i have the attitude of comparison, i see everyone else's life as completely put together and perfect and i feel insecure and jealous. but maybe what's the saddest thing about comparison is that it just isn't fair. it's not fair to anyone because we are so different, our dreams and hopes and skills and experiences are so different -- and comparing ourselves to each other cheapens who we are as people and doesn't give enough attention to the uniqueness of who we are and what we can do. i'm not meant for the same sort of life as my friends are -- and that fact sometimes can feel like a tragedy to me, but really it would be more of a tragedy if it were true because i would be missing out on something that i am much more suited for. the tragedy is i wouldn't be using the gifts and abilities God has uniquely given to me and only me.

so, back to the word thankfulness. i think it's easy when we try to be thankful to lie to ourselves. if we're focusing on being thankful we can cover up our feelings and insecurities. we can repeat to ourselves the good things in life and force ourselves to be joyful and thankful and happy and put-together. we can force ourselves to "always look on the bright side" and see the "glass half full."

but thankfulness isn't about lying to ourselves; it isn't about covering up the feelings of doubt and insecurity and frustration and deep longing. i think thankfulness is a response to these feelings -- it's a response that demands that we stare these feelings and emotions in the face, that we wrestle with them and kick and scream at them, but don't let them lead us to places of comparison and doubt.

i would be lying to myself if i said it was easy, in the midst of weddings and engagements and late-night pillow talk about new boyfriends and first kisses, to be single. i would be lying to myself if i said i was completely fine not knowing what the month of september is going to look like. i would be lying to myself if i disregarded my desire to have a sense of career direction and immediate career goals.

because the truth? the honest, real, truth? i wish i wasn't single - i wish i was the one talking about romantic walks on the beach and fun dates. i wish i did know what september held and what i was going to be doing. i wish i had a sense of career direction and could experience a sense of peace in that path.

but, for now, i want to be thankful in a way that is honest and true. i want to be honest with the feelings and the doubts, but choose to see the big and small gifts -- the gift that i don't have to know right now what my job is going to be because i am in a good place economically. the gift of loving many things and knowing that i have many opportunities and the challenge will be choosing which opportunities i pursue.

i want to choose to be thankful for my body -- for legs that can run and arms that can carry things, and hair that gets wavy in the humidity. i want to be thankful for the muscles to move and to not beat myself up when i give in to the lemon meringue pie at dinner or the packet of M&M's i probably shouldn't have eaten.

i want to be thankful for the gifts of friends and a place to live (even without AC!) and a job for the summer and a beautiful place to live. i want to choose to enjoy McDonald's $1 iced coffee and being adopted into friends' families and watching TV and not having to do homework.

sometimes i forget i have a choice in this matter -- i have a choice in what i decide to do with the beautiful life i have been given. in this season of life, i want to be a person who is honest about the challenges and worries, but chooses thankfulness as her response.