a prayer (of sorts)

I want to live a faithful life.

I want a life of community, deep investment in relationships and people, learning new things and digging into new places and listening to stories.

Sometimes in the midst of that I get discouraged by what I am giving up in this pursuit of a faithful life. 

I'm giving up simple answers, planned itineraries, 

I'm letting go of certain expectations,

I'm hoping and trusting that desires and dreams will be answered -- but giving up the idea that they'll happen in any of the ways I have envisioned they would.

I forget, or don’t always acknowledge that there is sacrifice, and there is the constant nagging of comparison towards others’ whose faithful lives look dramatically different from my own. And sometimes I feel like I’m caught in a race going the slow and steady pace while others are on the sprint course.

The thing is, deep down I know we’re all on a similar course – even if it doesn’t feel that way.

I wonder..

What is a faithful life? What does it look like?

"Your decrees have been the theme of my songs wherever I have lived.

I reflect at night on who you are, O Lord; therefore, I obey your instructions. 

This is how I spend my life: obeying your commandments.

Lord, you are mine!

I promise to obey your words!

With all my heart I want your blessings. Be merciful as you promised.

I pondered the direction of my life, and I turned to follow your laws"

[Psalm 119:54-9]

The laws, I remember, are good. The laws are the Sermon on the Mount, the touching the bleeding woman, the resurrection that happened one Sunday morning, the breaking bread and drinking wine together. 

And I want that for my life: for resurrection to happen, for community to be fostered, for healing to transform. 

Some days I need to remind myself of that -- and remind myself that I believe in a God who knows and does all those things and got ahold of my heart with his pursuing love and kindness. I must remember that when the trusting is difficult and the questions are complex and I'm disappointed in the unmet expectations.

This is how I spend my life: obeying your commandments

I'm grateful that obedience is creative -- it's expressed in the most mundane parts of life and the most exciting. I want a faithful life of creative obedience, colorful obedience, authentic obedience -- seen in all the different parts of my world.