when "thank you" is too small

i have been learning this year that the word "thank you" is insufficient. it's too short, it's too small, it doesn't convey what i want it to -- and it never will.

i wrote in my journal, in the midst of saying good byes in latin america last april, how i didn't know how to express my thanks. i wrote: "God, what has this region done to my heart? When I first came I was terrified and homesick, and now I don't know how to say good bye and thank you. I don't know how to write what I feel...It is frustrating how I can't adequately say thank you.."

that's part of why i try to blog - i desperately want to articulate - to show in words, actions, expressions what i am feeling, thinking, wrestling with. but isn't it frustrating when the things you want to express just don't seem to come? when you feel tongue-tied and rambly and just incoherent?

but i think the realization that a thank you isn't enough is a gift -- because it's realizing that what you have is bigger than words and actions. it's touched your heart and moved you in ways you can't express. and i am learning that that is okay - actually it's more than okay, it's the best place to be.

i stumble over words when i try to tell people how much i love my major - how much joy i feel as i walk up the stairs of frost to talk to my professors about discussions inside or outside of class, how even after endless hours of writing papers and reading books, there's still this sense of wonder and excitement as i write about the communist manifesto, about capitalism, about things that truly matter and i see their relevancy in everyday life. i can't express my thanks to those professors - those people i saw this week sitting with me at a debate about free enterprise (is it moral?) -- still living and teaching and learning what it means to be faithful and to care about the things God cares about.

i stumble over the words to express my gratitude for relationships - for the people who care for me..the people who chat over warm cups of coffee or baked goods or walks in the woods or laughing on the floor. the people who have walked alongside me for so many years or the people who just recently entered my life, always willing and eager to encourage and support no matter where i am.

so i say "thanks" or "thank you" and part of me feels a little frustrated, a little anxious that i can't make the word bigger...maybe i'll say it with tears or with chocolate or a gift or a card, but it's still inadequate, still less than what i want it to be.

Isaiah 58:21 "And this is my covenant with them, says the Lord. My Spirit will not leave them, and neither will these words I have given you. They will be on your lips and on the lips of your children and your children's children forever. I, the Lord, have spoken!"

His Spirit never leaves me
His promises and truth and love will be on our lips

this is why i am thankful - because it's in these moments, living life with these people, hearing their words, telling my own story and receiving their hugs that i see and hear truth and love. i see and experience this truth like a little candle in the window of a new england cottage. it is dark outside, it's winter and i see too little of the sun, but there's these little candles glimmering amidst the darkness - giving me hope, giving me courage, and giving me truth.

i can't say thank you adequately to a God who shines hope in darkness - and chooses to do so through people and places and studies. but perhaps what He wants me to do right now is to dwell in his presence and to reflect on these moments of truth, the flickering candle in the cottage window.

Emmanuel, God with us. i want to dwell in that blessing of light.

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