just some sister wedding dreaming

this weekend was filled with everything wedding. and through it all i felt a mix of nostalgia and excitement as i think about my sister's weddings - some day in the future. i thought about what it will be like to put on a foofy white dress, how i'll cry as i watch my dad walk libby and kelsey down the ailse, what i'll write in my toast to my sisters, how beautiful my mom will look as she helps us get ready, which songs i will make sure we dance to, what i'll say to my dad before he walks me down the aisle, what i'll say to my sisters before they say "i do". i can't wait to see kels's eyes sparkle and libby's smile shine against her freckles as they see whoever it is at the end of the aisle. i am eager to meet whoever it is that will be the source of months of stories and dating adventures and long phone calls and midnight heart-to-hearts. i am excited to meet a new addition to our family - someone who will adore my sisters for the unique and special persons that they are.

i miss these girls like crazy this summer. i miss the way they laugh and make me laugh. i miss the way they smile and annoy each other and bother my parents. i miss our dance parties when we're supposed to be washing dishes and our drives to get frozen yogurt after dinner. i miss going to bed before them and listening to them getting ready in the bathroom and [rudely] awakening me while i drift off to sleep. i miss the way kelsey's room is always a mess and libby's alarm has to go off 5 times before she makes her entrance into the kitchen in the morning.

i'm so grateful God gave me two beautiful sisters. and i hope and dream that one day i'll be a part of their special wedding day.

but until then, we've got lots of living and laughing and learning to do together -- and that is something to be grateful for. 

4th of july: new england style

i wanted a new england summer when i decided to stay out in massachusetts after graduation. and so far, summer has proven to be just that -- filled with new england sunshine, thunderstorms, lots and lots of green, and a very patriotic 4th of july celebration.

the day began at my friend bekah's house where we (per pintrest inspiration) decorated pretzels and strawberries

we brought them to her family's house for their annual 4th of july BBQ. it was held outside in their backyard and it was filled with red, white, and blue decorations, hamburgers and salads, patriotic T-shirts and plenty of festive spirit. and there was even a brief thunderstorm in the middle too!

after a delicious lunch we headed to the wakefield town parade

it was the perfect town parade -- lots of music, cars and bands, colonial attire, and politicians shaking hands along their walk. i loved it.

new england houses are decked out for the fourth with decorations and it was so fun to be a part of the celebration this year. nature also contributed to the fireworks show with crazy lightning that was fun to watch in the evening. 

all in all, it was a very happy 4th of july. hope yours was great too!

choosing thankfulness

Ann Voskamp wrote a book awhile back about being thankful for the big and small gifts. her work has sparked a lot of talk, a lot of blogs and articles and iphone apps (you can take pictures of things you're thankful for and record them on your phone! crazy!) i guess it's silly of me to be mentioning her because i actually haven't read her book yet, but the premise is inspiration enough, and something i need to be more a-tune to at this stage in my life.

i've come to realize that being thankful is a choice. sometimes it can come naturally, especially in november when we're thinking about food and family and what we're going to say around the Thanksgiving table. it's easier to be thankful when we're pondering what we have in light of what many do not have and it's our first response often times when we're happy and content.

but there's this trap that hits me in the face frequently -- it's called comparison. it's sort of like a plague in my mind because it tells me i'm not good enough, that other people have it better, that i don't measure up, and that ...well, my life sucks and i don't have it together and everything is wrong. "comparison is the thief of joy" so they say and i believe that is 100% truth.

as a recently college-graduate, comparison is a huge temptation. when i have the attitude of comparison, i see everyone else's life as completely put together and perfect and i feel insecure and jealous. but maybe what's the saddest thing about comparison is that it just isn't fair. it's not fair to anyone because we are so different, our dreams and hopes and skills and experiences are so different -- and comparing ourselves to each other cheapens who we are as people and doesn't give enough attention to the uniqueness of who we are and what we can do. i'm not meant for the same sort of life as my friends are -- and that fact sometimes can feel like a tragedy to me, but really it would be more of a tragedy if it were true because i would be missing out on something that i am much more suited for. the tragedy is i wouldn't be using the gifts and abilities God has uniquely given to me and only me.

so, back to the word thankfulness. i think it's easy when we try to be thankful to lie to ourselves. if we're focusing on being thankful we can cover up our feelings and insecurities. we can repeat to ourselves the good things in life and force ourselves to be joyful and thankful and happy and put-together. we can force ourselves to "always look on the bright side" and see the "glass half full."

but thankfulness isn't about lying to ourselves; it isn't about covering up the feelings of doubt and insecurity and frustration and deep longing. i think thankfulness is a response to these feelings -- it's a response that demands that we stare these feelings and emotions in the face, that we wrestle with them and kick and scream at them, but don't let them lead us to places of comparison and doubt.

i would be lying to myself if i said it was easy, in the midst of weddings and engagements and late-night pillow talk about new boyfriends and first kisses, to be single. i would be lying to myself if i said i was completely fine not knowing what the month of september is going to look like. i would be lying to myself if i disregarded my desire to have a sense of career direction and immediate career goals.

because the truth? the honest, real, truth? i wish i wasn't single - i wish i was the one talking about romantic walks on the beach and fun dates. i wish i did know what september held and what i was going to be doing. i wish i had a sense of career direction and could experience a sense of peace in that path.

but, for now, i want to be thankful in a way that is honest and true. i want to be honest with the feelings and the doubts, but choose to see the big and small gifts -- the gift that i don't have to know right now what my job is going to be because i am in a good place economically. the gift of loving many things and knowing that i have many opportunities and the challenge will be choosing which opportunities i pursue.

i want to choose to be thankful for my body -- for legs that can run and arms that can carry things, and hair that gets wavy in the humidity. i want to be thankful for the muscles to move and to not beat myself up when i give in to the lemon meringue pie at dinner or the packet of M&M's i probably shouldn't have eaten.

i want to be thankful for the gifts of friends and a place to live (even without AC!) and a job for the summer and a beautiful place to live. i want to choose to enjoy McDonald's $1 iced coffee and being adopted into friends' families and watching TV and not having to do homework.

sometimes i forget i have a choice in this matter -- i have a choice in what i decide to do with the beautiful life i have been given. in this season of life, i want to be a person who is honest about the challenges and worries, but chooses thankfulness as her response.

learning to laugh

yesterday i found myself letter writing. i took a stolen copy of the wall street journal (well, not exactly stolen - perfectly placed in the mailroom for someone like me to pick up!) and some markers and pens i had in my desk drawer and sat on a patio chair overlooking coy pond. i wanted to catch up to speed on all the political hype about health care, but instead began coloring and writing about my week to friends i miss (don't worry, i read it the next day :)) my college campus is beautiful every season, and i'm grateful to be soaking in its beauty this season ...with warm summer nights and green trees and thunderstorms that come and go within seconds.

in lisa's letter i said "i miss costa rica and speaking spanish. when i was there i laughed all the time because i never understood what was going on. maybe i should approach this season of life with laughter because right now i don't know what's going on; don't know what my next move is; don't know where i'm going. and maybe i should get me some rice, beans, and plátanos to go with the laughter"

one evening in costa rica my family and i went to my sister's soccer game. we took two cars down to the game (only 1 mile or so away) and when we got there, mami's car stopped working. in latin american culture, you don't worry about those kinds of things - you just sit awhile, then liesurely call someone to help you and know that they might get there in 10 minutes ...or maybe 2 hours. and if it's two hours, that's perfectly fine and you'll be happy to wait.

this time around the tow truck came fairly quickly and we were off within an hour or so (not bad!) ... i drove in the other car with my sisters and about 3 blocs from our house, our car popped a tire. it was one of those moments where i wanted to say "are you serious?!?" one car towed. one car with a flat tire. terrific.

again, no panic.

i tried not to laugh because i wanted to be respectful, but the situation was pretty funny: we were SO close to home and had JUST had a tow truck deliver the last car to our house. just our luck.

but mami and my sister just sat themselves down on the curb. mami looked up at the stars. i said something along the lines of "we're not lucky tonight" but she thought differently about it -- she thought that God was protecting us because it happened so close to the house and everyone was fine.

so we waited along the side of the road for awhile. one family member tried to use another tire. papi drove down later (too late) with his box of tools and somehow we (not me) switched a tire on the side of the road, at 9pm, in a suburb of san jose, costa rica.

the night was not my style. that's not how i work. i like high-efficiency: everyone call who you know, get them here as fast as you can because we need to get home NOW. there's no waiting, there's no relaxed pace: let's MOVE people.

but mami was different. she just sat there peacefully and looked up at the stars and knew she was safe and nothing else mattered. and while i was frustrated and wanted to be home, i decided to laugh and think it funny ...because i was in latin america and things like this happen all the time and reactions are so different than what i'm used to.

so, now. maybe laughing in the midst of uncertainty and frustration is the best medicine. maybe laughing and smiling and choosing to sit on the side of the road and looking at the stars and the beautiful person next to you -- maybe that's what i'm supposed to do. maybe i'll look for humor in the foggy future, the unexpected surprises, the frustrating turns we take that lead us to popped tires and tow truck journeys. maybe i'll look to the person on my right and my left and we can laugh with our iced coffees and bounce our confusions off of one another.

maybe, just for now, i'll let the uncertainty and confusion be a source of laughter and adventure -- and let the questions not cause panic, but rather an ability to take things slow, with grace, and with a laugh.

summer [is]

growing up, summer meant no school.

i remember putting whipped cream on my desk in the second grade to celebrate that summer was (finally!) here. every year at the beginning of school summer would seem like such a distant reality, but somehow june always came back.

summer meant going to the neighbor's house with no shoes, the rough cement under your tanned feet, picking plums and peaches and apricots off of neighbors' trees and mom making a hundred batches of apricot spread because of the neighbors' bounty.

my sisters and i would wake up in the morning and watch the brady bunch and get smart. we'd pile on to mom and dad's bed and watch on their little white TV the beloved TV land station and then begin our day. maxwell smart was the perfect breakfast buddy.

we'd go to soccer camp and eat popsicles for snack break and at the end of the week we always got a blender's (split between two people of course). when we were little, we would take swimming lessons and then we got old enough to finally go on the high dive and learn how to do sumersaults under water.  we'd spend so much time in the water that our feet got pruny and our eyes a little blood shot from the chlorine.

dad came home around six thirty.

sometimes we were already outside, but i remember the excitement (i still feel it) of seeing his car pull in the driveway. he usually sits there for a few minutes -- finishing a phone conversation or listening to whatever the NPR newscaster is saying. and then he would get out and get his briefcase from the trunk and give us a big hug and come in for dinner.

dinner -- sometimes on the patio, when it got too hot and we wanted to be outside. watermelon and corn on the cob. so much corn in the summer. my favorite.

summer reminds me of bathing suits. i've come to despise bathing suit shopping, but when i was younger, i knew the drill well: 2 bathing suits for the summer. usually one of those two was a one-piece and the other a two piece. one was specifically for the ocean and was okay for tar. after a day at the beach, mom would sometimes have to get a whole bottle of oil or goo-gone to rub the tar off the bottoms of our feet. the boogie boards would lay out in the grass and we'd spray off the sand and fight with each other for who called the shower first.

the ocean wasn't usually too cold for me. i like to think of myself as a sort of "otter" during elementary school because i had an extra layer of cushion/padding/extra pounds that worked to keep me fairly warm. my skinnier friends would shiver in the ocean and i would say "it's not so bad!" we would boogie board and eventually try surfing. i remember the taste of getting salty water up my nose and the pressure of a wave as you dunk your head under the water.

sprinklers. slip n' slides.

we did those well. we would giggle loud and mom would strategically move the sprinklers or the swimming pool to the different parts of the lawn. one side was always greener than the other.

bass lake. the sisters and i slept in two queen size beds and had a rotation for who slept where. libby was always covered in mosquito bites in the morning and kelsey usually took the longest to fall asleep and would make me laugh before bed. i'd get up in the morning and see mom, reading her Bible on the swiniging chair with her coffee and dad, with water or iced tea, reading his Bible or cutting a grapefruit. i always look forward to their hugs in the morning and cuddling up next to them like a little kid as i'm still trying to wake up. i hope i'm never too old for that. 

we'd go grocery shopping for the vacation week and stop at the candy aisle and put all these random pieces of candy into plastic bags and the flavors would sort of clash and not taste good anymore. but it didn't matter because we were staring at 200 flavors of candy and we could choose whatever we wanted. dad would put zingers in the cart, mom would roll her eyes. we'd pick out a berry cobbler and i would suggest rice pudding. and then kelsey would eat it secretly and say that since no one was eating it, she had every right to. i would yell and we would bicker. but the bickering always stops because she makes me laugh so hard i can't keep a straight face long enough to really fight.

my favorite part about those summer vacations was the late afternoon after a long hike or a day on the dock. we'd be showered - and a little sunburned and tired looking, but we'd look simple and clean and sun kissed and eat our dinner outside and drink juice squeeze and listen to the crickets and smell the pine trees. then we'd play card games or read a book or watch a movie.

we would go hiking. i would always dread it, but once we were on the trail it was an adventure. we would swat mosquitos and layer on sunscreen and request frequent snack breaks of trail mix and granola bars. and for lunch, if we were lucky, we would reach a pool of water and dare each other to go swim in it. we would leave the maps for mom and dad to figure out and provide constant entertainment along the hike - usually making fun of each other and laughing loud enough to scare off the other hikers.

in the summer i could always tell when kelsey was tired. her eyes would get a little pink and the skin right under her eyes would get slightly burned. she would insist that she wasn't tired, but i knew she wanted to close her eyes so bad. libby's hair turns a bit more red with the summer sun...sometimes i would call her my little "marigold".

on summer days, we would sit out by the pool. dad would immediately ask for the sunscreen once we would find our place to set up camp. i always hated when he would try to put sunscreen on my ears...i insisted i wouldn't get burned there but i was proved wrong. mom and kelsey would acquire beautiful tans and dad would get random pink spots on his toes or on his head and libby's freckles would get even cuter. i would monitor my sun intake by alternating between laying out and sitting in the shade (with periodic swimming breaks to cool off).

every summer morning was with mom. we'd annoy her and watch her get ready in the morning -- she'd be curling her hair with the TV on and we'd be laying in her bed. then she'd have her breakfast -- usually a yogurt and banana. she'd tell us to get ready and we would do so, very reluctantly leaving her heavenly bed.

i've never spent a summer away from home before...so living here in massachusetts during the months of june, july, and august feels weird and lonely at times. but i'm grateful for the experience and the adventure -- but more grateful for the memories and stories of all the summers i've shared before with the most wonderful sisters and parents in the world. 

i miss costa rica

when i got back to the u.s. of a. i bought skype minutes on my computer so i could call my host family. i remember this nervous feeling before i dialed the numbers on that little phone pad staring at me on the screen.

i've called my family a few times since i've been back for a year and our conversations usually sound really similar

rrrrrriiiinnnnngggg

mami: HAAAALO? (like "hello" but accent the "a" ..it's funny how Costa Ricans don't answer the phone in the spanish "hola", but with "hello" in a spanish accent)

me: hola mami! soy alísa

mami: Alíííííííísa! Cómo está?

and then we proceed to talk about things i'm doing - like school and work. and they ask me how my family is. and then papi usually gets on the phone.

papi: Alisa cómo está? in that sweet voice that carries with it so many laughs and jokes that we shared. when i hear it i get the biggest smile on my face. papi will then usually tell me where he and mami are -- perhaps visiting some family members in a beautiful part of the country...

one day (one day soon i hope) i'll go back to costa rica.

i'll visit mami in the galería and i'll sit in that rocking chair that sits in the far right corner where i remember trying so hard not to cry during my first day in san josé

one day soon i'll be at Bible study on a Wednesday night and we'll eat sandwiches for dinner at 10 pm and drink agua dulce and i'll smile at Tío Fran who just preached with as much gusto for a small living room full of people as someone does at a huge Bible conference.

maybe one day soon papi will drive me along the streets leading up to our house -- and he'll drive really slow because he'll be talking about special Costa Rica stories and plants and landmarks and more things he wants me to see (mira alísa, mira, mira// look alyssa, look)

maybe one day soon i'll listen to cows mooing as i fall asleep ...and taste the deliciousness of food fried in canola oil and black beans and good meat and rice (always cooked with red pepper, onion, garlic, and oil). and i'll make the coffee for the morning and i'll make sure to get papi's special sugar on the shelf next to the refrigerator and mami will put more milk in her coffee than the coffee itself. i'll eat crackers with my special jam (jelea de piña -- pineapple jelly) and i'll take my lunch from the kitchen counter and head out the door.

i miss it all. but maybe, just for now, i'll sit here in my bed on a massachusetts summer evening and simply be grateful for latin america and remember as much as i can.

of late

post-grad life has been treating me well. it's been different and low key, but overall i've been enjoying it. i have been up to a few things:

1. work. i am blessed with a JOB FOR THE SUMMER. i am really grateful to be working in the gordon admissions office with great staff and at a school i love.

2. watching one too many episodes of friday night lights (not to be confused with the movie). one of the reasons i love this show is because of this character:

forgive me for the crush...i do have more legitimate reasons for loving this show than tim riggins.

especially the 4th & 5th seasons there has been a lot of interesting stories relating to important issues: gangs, the prison system, family loyalty, football culture, abortion, male and female roles, marriage, etc. it's an entertaining show for sure - but it also makes you think.

3. running. trying to exercise more since the past month of college consisted of a lot of ice cream and little exercise ;)

4. book reading: i finished a short romance novel about a cross-country road trip. it was quite cliche but i loved every page.

up next on my shelf:

5. Christians in Political Science Conference 

this past weekend my college partnered with the center for public justice and the institute for global engagement to host this conference (i believe it happens every two years). throughout the weekend, many christian political scientists participated in panels, discussed papers they had written, and engaged in Q & A over a wide range of topics.

one of the speakers, peter feever, spoke about the tension between theory and practice in politics -- and he spoke with experience leading in the white house (foreign policy specifically) under presidents clinton and bush. 

gordon's college president, dr. michael lindsay, spoke the following night about his in-depth research through the Platinum Study which studies the top leaders in the United States, and specifically the impact of religion in these positions. it was really interesting to hear dr. lindsay speak as a sociologist instead of as a college president and i was honestly blown away by all that he has done to conduct this study -- 550 interviews and thousands of hours of research to understand how faith has impacted the "elite" in a variety of settings -- businesses, non-profits, political offices, etc. 

afterwards, my friend and i approached him to ask a specific question i had been thinking about during his presentation:

what about women??

this past semester i took a fascinating sociology class that made me see a lot of injustices and problems that men and women experience due to gender discrimination and sexism. as i listened to dr. lindsay's study, i wanted to hear what he had to say since most of the "elite" (CEOs, political officials, etc.) are men -- and if they are the ones with the most power, what does this mean for women, and ultimately, is this a good structure for a flourishing society?

dr. lindsay answered the question with a lot of understanding and said that he tried really hard to interview women in his study and out of all of his interviews this totaled to 12%. one of the biggest areas of difference between men and women in these high positions of power was their tension between working in the office and carring for their families. dr. lindsay's research proved that women struggled more with this challenge than did men - meaning that women felt more of a burden to care for their families instead of working in high-power positions (and this is a big deal considering the average person in a position of power worked a LOT of hours -- more than 60/week usually). 

i have a lot of questions and am eager to engage in conversation about the study and what it means for women in leadership and positions of power.

the following night, we heard the annual Kuyper Lecture, hosted by the Center for Public Justice. the speaker was Miroslav Volf and he has a long list of accomplishments and teaches at Yale. i'll confess i couldn't follow all of what he said, but he was talking about the compatibility of religious exclusivists (those who believe that their faith is the true way to life and eternal life) pursuing a pluralist political order.

what do i mean by "pluralist political order"?? well i guess having just graduated as a political science major i should have that answer pat-down, but i don't. i'll do my best :) 

i think the best way to talk about pluralism is to think of the root word plural, meaning more than one. when we talk about pluralism, we can discuss structural pluralism -- the variety of structures and institutions that compose a society. we can also talk about religious pluralism where many peoples express different religious view points.

dr. volf was interested in proving that as a religious exclusivist, you can support a pluralist political order that supports the flourishing of different religious groups. there are a lot of questions about what this means, what it looks like, especially when various religious (or a-religious) perspectives do not affirm certain institutions, or do not like the way they function (such as education, the family, etc.)

you can find a much better and well-written piece about the conference here if you're interested and haven't fallen asleep while reading this ;)

all in all, it was a great conference and i enjoyed hearing from my fellow students as they presented papers, the guest lecturers, and the panel discussions.

more thoughts to come! :)